Scotty W
Banned
Some forums just give you a vibe y’know, so what the heck, I figure I may as well ask here. Are there any other thumbcels here?
My thumbs are not like the other guys’ thumbs. Mine are short and stubby. It makes it hard to play lots of games. Back in the 8 bit era it was ok because you had just this cozy lil control pad or in the arcade this great big joystick, but starting in the 64 bit era, I haven’t been able to operate my thumbs properly.
I see guys playing games like Sly Cooper and I just seeth with envy. My thumbs are not long enough to reach the joysticks which leads me to basically have to tickle the controller to get any pleasure from the game.
Also, my thumbs only move in 4 directions, so that kind of deep, volutuous, circular motion demanded by Super Mario 3D World is just locked away from thumbcels forever. When I play I get strange looks from people like I were some kind of gangly teen with halitosis fishing for gropes in a crowded high school hallway. But I’m not a freak! I’m a normal boy. The Pareto Principle indicates that 90% of all gamers are thumbcels, while the other 10% are just rolling in the gametes/-:.
And I will never for the life of me figure out how some guys can operate not just one but two joysticks at the same time as in Halo. I remember trying to play it with the other guys online and they denied my gamepass! I deserve better! I am a better, more loving gamer than these dicks! And yet these game makers just go on ignoring thumbcels like me. I remember last year wasting half a day’s wages on a PS5 so that I could play Stray, and there aren’t even any control pad options. You have to play with the stick.
O thumbcel friendly games come back. Please, come back. But I can’t even drink the milk from the classics anymore. When I recently went back to Garfield: Caught in the Act I found that my stamina has been depleted. My thumb gets sore after a few minutes of a pressing session. I have to take a break every few minutes, which leads to diminished excitement levels. I have fought the good fight for a long time, but just can’t keep it up anymore.
I have had to abandon console and pc gaming altogether (can’t use a mouse, my wrist shaft just isn’t there) and have whored my thumbs out to f2p games on my phone. Even then, my thumbs are just not man enough for these games- not fast or agile enough and so I have settled finally on Pokemon Go. This game hurts you by forcing you to tap the screen to capture. My thumbs have degenerated to the point that I can barely tap that anymore and can only do so with great pain, but this pain has become my pleasure. I sometimes tap and mash my thumb into that Pokeball for hours in a veritable ecstasy of agony. Sometimes even just the thought of my suffering is intoxicating.
Thumbcels need to rise up. We need to take the games back from the 10%, make them accessible for people who can’t just “Git gud.” And we need to punish the designers who privilege this 10% and discriminate against minorities like the other 90% of us. We need to rebel against companies who use modern plastic on their controllers! My wife says game companies have always used the same kind of plastic in their controllers, but she is wrong, I was never a thumbcel til the N64, it must be the plastic.
Thumbcels rise! Thumbcels revolt! Thumbcel rebellion!
My thumbs are not like the other guys’ thumbs. Mine are short and stubby. It makes it hard to play lots of games. Back in the 8 bit era it was ok because you had just this cozy lil control pad or in the arcade this great big joystick, but starting in the 64 bit era, I haven’t been able to operate my thumbs properly.
I see guys playing games like Sly Cooper and I just seeth with envy. My thumbs are not long enough to reach the joysticks which leads me to basically have to tickle the controller to get any pleasure from the game.
Also, my thumbs only move in 4 directions, so that kind of deep, volutuous, circular motion demanded by Super Mario 3D World is just locked away from thumbcels forever. When I play I get strange looks from people like I were some kind of gangly teen with halitosis fishing for gropes in a crowded high school hallway. But I’m not a freak! I’m a normal boy. The Pareto Principle indicates that 90% of all gamers are thumbcels, while the other 10% are just rolling in the gametes/-:.
And I will never for the life of me figure out how some guys can operate not just one but two joysticks at the same time as in Halo. I remember trying to play it with the other guys online and they denied my gamepass! I deserve better! I am a better, more loving gamer than these dicks! And yet these game makers just go on ignoring thumbcels like me. I remember last year wasting half a day’s wages on a PS5 so that I could play Stray, and there aren’t even any control pad options. You have to play with the stick.
O thumbcel friendly games come back. Please, come back. But I can’t even drink the milk from the classics anymore. When I recently went back to Garfield: Caught in the Act I found that my stamina has been depleted. My thumb gets sore after a few minutes of a pressing session. I have to take a break every few minutes, which leads to diminished excitement levels. I have fought the good fight for a long time, but just can’t keep it up anymore.
I have had to abandon console and pc gaming altogether (can’t use a mouse, my wrist shaft just isn’t there) and have whored my thumbs out to f2p games on my phone. Even then, my thumbs are just not man enough for these games- not fast or agile enough and so I have settled finally on Pokemon Go. This game hurts you by forcing you to tap the screen to capture. My thumbs have degenerated to the point that I can barely tap that anymore and can only do so with great pain, but this pain has become my pleasure. I sometimes tap and mash my thumb into that Pokeball for hours in a veritable ecstasy of agony. Sometimes even just the thought of my suffering is intoxicating.
Thumbcels need to rise up. We need to take the games back from the 10%, make them accessible for people who can’t just “Git gud.” And we need to punish the designers who privilege this 10% and discriminate against minorities like the other 90% of us. We need to rebel against companies who use modern plastic on their controllers! My wife says game companies have always used the same kind of plastic in their controllers, but she is wrong, I was never a thumbcel til the N64, it must be the plastic.
Thumbcels rise! Thumbcels revolt! Thumbcel rebellion!
