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Flat-Earthers Have a Wild New Theory About Forests (The Atlantic)

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P

Piecake

Member
Something tremendous is happening; over the last few weeks, without too many of its globe-headed detractors noticing, a surprisingly vast community on the tattered fringes of intellectual orthodoxy is in turmoil. A bizarre new theory has turned the flat earth upside down. The flat earth is still flat, but now it’s dotted with tiny imitations of the truly enormous trees that once covered the continents, and which in our deforested age we can hardly even remember.

But lately, there’s been a change; something new and furious is growing in the community. ‘No Forests on Flat Earth’ is an incredible new theory, proposed only last month. Its claim is grand, counterintuitive, and beautiful: we were lied to; our flat earth has no forests. Thousands of people are ready to believe it. This might prove to be important; you can’t understand our reality without understanding those dark and secret places where it’s denied. New discoveries in mainstream science just tell us about the physical universe; earth-shattering developments in the conspiracy-theory fringe tell us what’s happening to ourselves. ‘No Forests on Flat Earth’ might be the future of weirdness, and it’s utterly magnificent.

We start with a montage of forests, peaceful scenes studded with sunlight, the kind of pictures just waiting for some inspirational quote to be plastered on top of them. We’ve all seen forests, we all know what they are; how could anyone claim that they don’t exist? But our narrator knows better. “They make us think that this is a forest,” he tells us, “when you are actually looking at thirty-meter bushes. After watching this video, you will reverse your concept of forests by 360 degrees.” This isn’t a forest at all: only a diminished imitation. Thousands of years ago, a cataclysmic event destroyed 99% of the Earth’s biosphere, and when it happened, it took away the real forests. Real trees are nothing like their stunted cousins, the miserable perishing scraps of wood that we see today; they were truly vast, hundreds of kilometers tall, magical organisms that sustained a total living ecology of the flat earth. These things were the anchor of a beautiful world that has now vanished forever. And how does he know? Because everywhere around us, we can see their stumps.
Click to expand...

http://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2016/09/flat-earth-truthers/499322/

Link to no forest on flat earth video
 
P

Piecake

Member
Kas said:
What the fuck people, it's been a long day aND this much stupidity just hit my limit.
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You just can't see it man. Wake up to the truth, sheeple. These forests are actually bushes. Expand your mind and see all of the tree stumps around you and realize the truth
 
W

WedgeX

Banned
I mean. Their proof is pretty much irrefutable that trees used to be huge af.

4GLc0CA.jpg


Goodness.
 
K

Kas

Member
Piecake said:
You just can't see it man. Wake up to the truth, sheeple. These forests are actually bushes. Expand your mind and see all of the tree stumps around you and realize the truth
Click to expand...
But like, nature exists. It's a thing you can go to and touch, taste, hear, and fuck.

How can they not actually see.
 
SJRB

SJRB

Gold Member
...I'd rather do the fucking dishes than watch a 1.5 hour video on this absolute idiocy.
 
M

Media

Member
I'm not watching an hour and 30 min of bullshit. Can someone summarize?

Edit:
Like, a funny neogaf summary, not the article, I meant :p
 
S

Syncytia

Member
Media said:
I'm not watching an hour and 30 min of bullshit. Can someone summarize?
Click to expand...

In perfect world, everything is fits.

In our cursed hell, nothing is fits.


I think the video is getting to petrified forest = proof that mountains are actually giant petrified trees.
 
P

Piecake

Member
ClayKavalier said:
Yeah, I don't see the connection either. Seems like a totally unrelated subfield of dipshittery.
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Zeyphersan said:
What does this have to do with the earth being flat, though
Click to expand...

Not just mesas—ordinary mountains are contrasted with the shattered, splintered remnants of trees; the Giant’s Causeway in Ireland is revealed to be a petrified organic structure, because (we’re told) cooling lava simply does not assume these shapes. There is no such thing as a mountain; there is no such thing as inert rock. Everything we walk on was once living wood, the mountain ranges were once tremendous forests reaching up to the stellar canopy, providing a link between humanity and the celestial spheres. The earth was really flat. But some malignant power cut all these trees down using vast machinery, and ever since then they’ve been gouging into the corpse of the earth, mining the dead trees for precious minerals, carving deep quarries that we, in our ignorance, call gorges and canyons (you can see the monstrous tracks leading away from Antarctic valleys); we think they’re natural, we even think that the traces of our destruction are somehow beautiful.
Click to expand...

.
 
SDCowboy

SDCowboy

Member
Wait just a darn minute.....are they showing giant rock formations and mountains as somehow being tree stumps? And they also showed what looks to be the sumps of giant redwoods as trees from the past. Does he not realise they still exist today? lol
 
S

Stinkles

Clothed, sober, cooperative
A Fish Aficionado said:
I've been to the redwoods.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Click to expand...

Their point is that a majestic redwood is tiny compared to the thunderingly massive trees that existed before the Miyagi Corporation's pathetic Redwood Bonsai invasion.

Of course they also claim the Grand Canyon is a former mine.

You have to assume the "leaders" are trolls trying to see how far the followers will go (360 degrees, minimum).
 
SDCowboy

SDCowboy

Member
Stinkles said:
Their point is that a majestic redwood is tiny compared to the thunderingly massive trees that existed before the Miyagi Corporation's pathetic Redwood Bonsai invasion.

Of course they also claim the Grand Canyon is a former mine.

You have to assume the "leaders" are trolls trying to see how far the followers will go (360 degrees, minimum).
Click to expand...

Uh, giant redwoods of that stature (like the old picture of the stump) still exist in large quantity. Go to Sequoia sometime.
 
O

Orniletter

Banned
I genuinely don't understand what makes an individual....outright reject our collective scientific knowledge to believe in utter horseshit like this.

Like...take a biology course or something.
 
S

Stinkles

Clothed, sober, cooperative
SDCowboy said:
Uh, giant redwoods of that stature (like the old picture of the stump) still exist in large quantity. Go to Sequoia sometime.
Click to expand...

I know, they're saying that there used to be trees exponentially more massive than that. I have been to sequoia. I don't know how they account for ANYTHING, let alone stuff that definitely still exists. these are people who claim Boeing puts in convex glass to fake the cruvature of the Earth at 20,000 feet.
 
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