arkhamguy123
Member
Since November, I've hated being alive. I'd easily venture to say I don't want to be alive anymore as well. I guess you might say it all kind of started with a very abrupt separation from a 3 year relationship. One night it's "I love everything about you", talking about marriage etc, 24 hours later dumping me and leaving. There's a story of course but I won't get into it. I'm sure its somewhere in my post history. From there I got into the worst car wreck of my life in january a scant 2 months later. Didnt have collision insurance so it was an immense financial setback and challenge.
I'm 26. I'm currently an uber driver. Tried to do traditional 9-5 work for about 4-5 years. Was miserable and depressed. Quit, started uber, and at first was pretty smug as I was doing a mere 25-29 hours a week ubering and hitting my $950-1000 a week goal for months on end. I wasnt rich, but I certainly wasnt poor either. And I had the automy of being my own boss and making my own schedule, and having zero sunday dread. This was invaluable to my already shaky mental health. I dont know where I'd be if I still did my regular mon-fri corporate work. Unfortunately lately it seems the well has dried up. As for the past month and a half uber has stopped doing all the extra promotions and "quests" (Complete X amount of rides, get a free $50,$60,$70 extra). For what reason I do not know, but I suspect corporate greed as per usual. What this means for me is my 25-29 hours per week has now turned into 34-39 hours. Usually on the higher end. An extra ~10 hours for the same money or less. So basically the exact same as the full time jobs I ran away from. So before while my life sucked I had the freedom to read, play video games, go hiking, ride my bike, play with my dog, take naps, now I'm basically always driving. I have to go early, during the day, and late at night. Its pretty much just uber and the gym with little time for anything else just like a traditional job. And thats to make less too. About $800-900. Down from my $950-1000+. So in addition to everything else in this post I'm actually starting to worry and stress about money for the first time in a very long time. I'm extremely burnt out on driving now and recently realized I hadn't taken any kind of vacation since July/August 2023. So about a full year.
I'm at an age where friendships start to shift and turn as people get significant others and full time jobs and you just kind of fade away. And there's no ire. That's just the game. I love all my friends and I'd say about 3/8 check in here and there maybe. But for example, one has been saying she'll come after work for the past 3 months to meet my dog and hang out, as her commute passes right by my apartment. Has flaked every single time without fail. Always has a reason. Another friend moved quite far away and usually flakes on plans too. Was supposed to coordinate to have our dogs play together like the good old days cause its my dogs birthday weekend, I think she was busy this weekend and never reached out. My oldest friend since 6th grade hasnt returned my last 2 calls this past month and usually just ghosts any text. I believe he's vacationing in Montana with his gf and some friends, which im happy for. I understand I'm not a priority at this age. My second oldest friend also since 6th grade has bailed or ghosted when I attempt to invite him over to see my new place, as I had finally gotten around to seeing his and his gf's new place. Most recently I texted to ask if he finished the new batman show and that was like a week ago and no response. I'm not even frustrated so much as its just depressing the reality of getting older and watching friendships transmute from when you were younger. And all these people, all of them I just cited, have full time jobs that demand a LOT of hours and energy, and serious significant others they're moved in with and will likely marry, and their own friend groups and family etc etc. It's just the way it is.
Tried to get back into dating. Exhausted every single channel anyone could possibly postulate. Running clubs. Singles mixers. Speed dating. Approaching in public. Mutual friends. Dating apps. All to no avail. 70-80% being rejected or friendzoned by women I like, (strangely, sometimes even after a night of sex. This has happened twice.) And 20-30% feeling absolutely zero interest or connection in the other person to where I reject. Most recently, this woman who I was very friendly with for months now at my apartment, first name basis and all, finally asked for the number, she enthusiastically gave it and said we should hangout. I texted her today. Ghosted. Saw her walking her dog this evening like I usually do, she gave an awkward "I just ghosted you" smile. She was on her phone too. Another woman we met and hit it off. Then had a date at a coffee shop, spend 3+ hours there. Found out we had a ton in common. Date went amazingly. I walk her to her car after, she says she would love to keep hanging out and see each other again. Hug goodbye. I text her today. Ghosted. Another one, met her, hit it off, she ends up inviting me in after a ride home. Nothing happened but we had about 2 hours of great conversation and cuddled on her couch during. She actually asks for my number shockingly and says we should do this again sometime and hangout. I text her today. Ghosted. 3 in a row in one day. And that was all my options currently. I told my lady friends "all three will ghost" after I texted and they all told me not to think that way and I'm too cynical and they'll reply. But of course they didnt. They never do. My cynicism is always confirmed. The only thing people dont let me down on is in my expectation of disappointment from them. This has been typical of my dating experience and colored the last 10 months I'd say. I'm so used to it now I always expect to get ghosted, rejected, or friendzoned. Always. Not necessarily in that order but ya know. There's always something, and its always bad news or a let down.
I almost just ended it all a month or two ago. I was house sitting for my parents while they were in Europe, and I know the code to my dads gun safe. Went and unlocked it, held the loaded gun in my hand and really wanted to but didn't want them to come back from their vacation that they've been trying to go on since I was 10 years old to a dead son. Or ruin their vacation if the news made it to them over there. Nobody knows how close I came either. I really hate it all. I know, "why do we fall? To pick ourselves back up" But what kind of existence is constantly falling down and picking yourself back up to get knocked down again every time? Inevitably. It's miserable. I've witnessed myself go from an optimistic nihilist to just a pessimistic nihilist. I'm an atheist so I dont have any faith to turn to. There's nobody I feel like I can really talk to. Or that I feel even cares. Cant afford therapy right now. I don't derive any enjoyment anymore from my favorite foods, games, movies, places. I'm becoming completely numb. And It's so hard starting from scratch everytime and having to come back and be my best self time and time and time and time again. Nobody would ever know if they just knew me in person, I always, 99% of the time, never drop my goofy, funny, class clown exterior. I'm still the guy that makes everyone laugh and smile. The comedian. But it becomes harder every month. Through it all, through being let down by people, through all the disappointments, through financial turmoil, emotional distress, I always treat people with the upmost kindness and respect, try to be a good person, get a regular haircut, trim the beard, take care to personal hygiene, clean my room, care for my dog, and I've never skipped a week at the gym. But I'm just goin like a machine week after week I'm not sure how this can keep up for much longer. I don't even want to be alive for much longer honestly. If I could push a button and just be gone painlessly I'd do it in a nanosecond.
I'm 26. I'm currently an uber driver. Tried to do traditional 9-5 work for about 4-5 years. Was miserable and depressed. Quit, started uber, and at first was pretty smug as I was doing a mere 25-29 hours a week ubering and hitting my $950-1000 a week goal for months on end. I wasnt rich, but I certainly wasnt poor either. And I had the automy of being my own boss and making my own schedule, and having zero sunday dread. This was invaluable to my already shaky mental health. I dont know where I'd be if I still did my regular mon-fri corporate work. Unfortunately lately it seems the well has dried up. As for the past month and a half uber has stopped doing all the extra promotions and "quests" (Complete X amount of rides, get a free $50,$60,$70 extra). For what reason I do not know, but I suspect corporate greed as per usual. What this means for me is my 25-29 hours per week has now turned into 34-39 hours. Usually on the higher end. An extra ~10 hours for the same money or less. So basically the exact same as the full time jobs I ran away from. So before while my life sucked I had the freedom to read, play video games, go hiking, ride my bike, play with my dog, take naps, now I'm basically always driving. I have to go early, during the day, and late at night. Its pretty much just uber and the gym with little time for anything else just like a traditional job. And thats to make less too. About $800-900. Down from my $950-1000+. So in addition to everything else in this post I'm actually starting to worry and stress about money for the first time in a very long time. I'm extremely burnt out on driving now and recently realized I hadn't taken any kind of vacation since July/August 2023. So about a full year.
I'm at an age where friendships start to shift and turn as people get significant others and full time jobs and you just kind of fade away. And there's no ire. That's just the game. I love all my friends and I'd say about 3/8 check in here and there maybe. But for example, one has been saying she'll come after work for the past 3 months to meet my dog and hang out, as her commute passes right by my apartment. Has flaked every single time without fail. Always has a reason. Another friend moved quite far away and usually flakes on plans too. Was supposed to coordinate to have our dogs play together like the good old days cause its my dogs birthday weekend, I think she was busy this weekend and never reached out. My oldest friend since 6th grade hasnt returned my last 2 calls this past month and usually just ghosts any text. I believe he's vacationing in Montana with his gf and some friends, which im happy for. I understand I'm not a priority at this age. My second oldest friend also since 6th grade has bailed or ghosted when I attempt to invite him over to see my new place, as I had finally gotten around to seeing his and his gf's new place. Most recently I texted to ask if he finished the new batman show and that was like a week ago and no response. I'm not even frustrated so much as its just depressing the reality of getting older and watching friendships transmute from when you were younger. And all these people, all of them I just cited, have full time jobs that demand a LOT of hours and energy, and serious significant others they're moved in with and will likely marry, and their own friend groups and family etc etc. It's just the way it is.
Tried to get back into dating. Exhausted every single channel anyone could possibly postulate. Running clubs. Singles mixers. Speed dating. Approaching in public. Mutual friends. Dating apps. All to no avail. 70-80% being rejected or friendzoned by women I like, (strangely, sometimes even after a night of sex. This has happened twice.) And 20-30% feeling absolutely zero interest or connection in the other person to where I reject. Most recently, this woman who I was very friendly with for months now at my apartment, first name basis and all, finally asked for the number, she enthusiastically gave it and said we should hangout. I texted her today. Ghosted. Saw her walking her dog this evening like I usually do, she gave an awkward "I just ghosted you" smile. She was on her phone too. Another woman we met and hit it off. Then had a date at a coffee shop, spend 3+ hours there. Found out we had a ton in common. Date went amazingly. I walk her to her car after, she says she would love to keep hanging out and see each other again. Hug goodbye. I text her today. Ghosted. Another one, met her, hit it off, she ends up inviting me in after a ride home. Nothing happened but we had about 2 hours of great conversation and cuddled on her couch during. She actually asks for my number shockingly and says we should do this again sometime and hangout. I text her today. Ghosted. 3 in a row in one day. And that was all my options currently. I told my lady friends "all three will ghost" after I texted and they all told me not to think that way and I'm too cynical and they'll reply. But of course they didnt. They never do. My cynicism is always confirmed. The only thing people dont let me down on is in my expectation of disappointment from them. This has been typical of my dating experience and colored the last 10 months I'd say. I'm so used to it now I always expect to get ghosted, rejected, or friendzoned. Always. Not necessarily in that order but ya know. There's always something, and its always bad news or a let down.
I almost just ended it all a month or two ago. I was house sitting for my parents while they were in Europe, and I know the code to my dads gun safe. Went and unlocked it, held the loaded gun in my hand and really wanted to but didn't want them to come back from their vacation that they've been trying to go on since I was 10 years old to a dead son. Or ruin their vacation if the news made it to them over there. Nobody knows how close I came either. I really hate it all. I know, "why do we fall? To pick ourselves back up" But what kind of existence is constantly falling down and picking yourself back up to get knocked down again every time? Inevitably. It's miserable. I've witnessed myself go from an optimistic nihilist to just a pessimistic nihilist. I'm an atheist so I dont have any faith to turn to. There's nobody I feel like I can really talk to. Or that I feel even cares. Cant afford therapy right now. I don't derive any enjoyment anymore from my favorite foods, games, movies, places. I'm becoming completely numb. And It's so hard starting from scratch everytime and having to come back and be my best self time and time and time and time again. Nobody would ever know if they just knew me in person, I always, 99% of the time, never drop my goofy, funny, class clown exterior. I'm still the guy that makes everyone laugh and smile. The comedian. But it becomes harder every month. Through it all, through being let down by people, through all the disappointments, through financial turmoil, emotional distress, I always treat people with the upmost kindness and respect, try to be a good person, get a regular haircut, trim the beard, take care to personal hygiene, clean my room, care for my dog, and I've never skipped a week at the gym. But I'm just goin like a machine week after week I'm not sure how this can keep up for much longer. I don't even want to be alive for much longer honestly. If I could push a button and just be gone painlessly I'd do it in a nanosecond.
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