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[Lionel Richie]

This is awkward. I'm a bit drunk which makes explaining what I mean even more difficult. I've been dating for 5 years and a few months and it's been awesome, but there's this girl who is my friend's ex and... I can't. I can deal with any hot girls around me and I'll remain true to my girl. Not this one. For I'm irrational around her. We used to argue all the time and I thought she hated me, but rather she told that it's just because we're too alike. I was an asshole to her, she was an asshole to me and from then the sexual tension lingers. While she hates me because I was kind of asshole to her, and I hate her because... I don't hate her. Seriously, I can't stop thinking about fucking her

We just had a loooooooooong talk tonight about our history and in the end I told her yeah man maybe in some other dimension we'd be married. She laughed. I laughed. She fucking knew damn right what I was talking about while she put her hand in mine after that.

What the fuck could I do?

Edit: Shit, posted in community, should have been regular off-topic.

 

[Spheyr]

So you cheated on your girlfriend?

 

[Lionel Richie]

So you cheated on your girlfriend?

No, not at all. But I felt really bad that I wanted to and maybe I should have set some boundaries and it was a very weird feeling that I had no control. I just feel guilty that I put myself in the position to cheat on my girlfriend.

 

[mr2xxx]

No, not at all. But I felt really bad that I wanted to and maybe I should have set some boundaries and it was a very weird feeling that I had no control. I just feel guilty that I put myself in the position to cheat on my girlfriend.

Does your girlfriend know about her?

 

[Lionel Richie]

Does your girlfriend know about her?

She knows she exists, I know this girl for over 10 years now and she's one of my friend's ex. It's funny because this thing I have for her started about a month or so ago on another night we met. The whole thing is mentally exhausting because I seriously never had to deal with this. It's one thing when you see a beautiful woman and you think yeah man I'd go for that, but it's another when you have this insane drive to be with someone and you can't stop thinking about it. And I do love my girlfriend and we're very happy, this is some Chloe in the Afternoon shit I thought I'd never have to deal with. Although I didn't cheat on my girlfriend, I feel bad because I really wanted to.

Some context here because I was obviously drunk when I posted the OP, but the bit about us being married in another dimension did not come from me but from a friend of mine who heard us talking and said that before going away and leaving us alone again. Some friends are evil lol.

 

[zumphry]

you're an adult and your life is not some movie. just stop being so fucking dramatic and either be in an honest relationship or break up and fuck your ex. it's really simple.

 

[Lionel Richie]

you're an adult and your life is not some movie. just stop being so fucking dramatic and either be in an honest relationship or break up and fuck your ex. it's really simple.

Not my ex, my friend's ex which somehow makes it trickier. The extra drama was due to drunkenness and sorry about that lol, but I've been happy with my girlfriend for over 5 years and I don't want to rush to throw it away because I want to fuck someone. It's the longing and knowing that I could that are driving me mad, it doesn't seem that simple to me.

 

[jdforge]

Literally 2 choices here.

Stay with your gf and remove this person from you life or create very strict boundaries. Continuing this will build guilt inside you which will manifest as resentment towards your gf who by the sounds of things has done nothing wrong and does not deserve to be mistreated in anyway.

Leave your gf and take your chances with this person.

To me it sounds like a dose of infatuation and nothing more.

 

[Lionel Richie]

Literally 2 choices here.

Stay with your gf and remove this person from you life or create very strict boundaries. Continuing this will build guilt inside you which will manifest as resentment towards your gf who by the sounds of things has done nothing wrong and does not deserve to be mistreated in anyway.

Leave your gf and take your chances with this person.

To me it sounds like a dose of infatuation and nothing more.

Absolutely, it's the only 2 ways it can go and I'm already seeing myself treating my gf a little bit differently. I'm trying my best to act normal, but I can see it that I haven't been as I used to with her and she noticed too and I said it was stress and shit. I haven't talked with this other girl except in group conversation and thankfully she lives in another city so I haven't met her personally and probably won't for a while. The whole situation is shit because I literally never been one to go for my friends exes because that gets messy and I'm pushing 30 so I'm past the point in my life where messy is acceptable, so there's definitely some forbidden fruit shenanigans going on because I can't have her and that makes me really want her. I also think this feeling will die out eventually, it was just so weird in that party because I had 0 control over my own actions and I think the only reason I didn't end up banging her is that there were way too many people around and it was awkward. I feel shitty for that, but I'm thankful nothing happened that would really hurt my gf.

Thanks for the answer. Talking about this is really good and it helps me to put stuff in perspective. It's incredible how inefficient men are at not thinking about something, it's literally impossible lol. So if I kept this to myself I'd probably be crazy by now.

 

[Hulk_Smash]

You got some bros in your life or a mentor type figure you can trust to talk through stuff like this?

 

[Lionel Richie]

You got some bros in your life or a mentor type figure you can trust to talk through stuff like this?

Friends yeah, but it's complicated because they're also friends with this girl so it would be awkward. I have a few friends that don't know her but most gave silly advices like you gotta wreck that pussy or shit.

At the time I wrote this thread I was seriously considering breaking up with my girlfriend, which I didn't want to do but I knew I'd probably have to if I couldn't move past this fixation. Now while I'm not completely over it and the girl did weirdly come talk to me since then about unrelated stuff, I'm feeling things a bit more settled in my head and I am happy with my girlfriend. This was an eye opening situation because I always judged people that cheat and you know, while I didn't do it, I could have seen myself doing it and now I know what's like to have this irrational drive. Not saying people aren't assholes, but like always it's just more complicated than that.

 

[TrainedRage]

The grass always looks greener on the other side my dude. And honestly if she knows you are dating someone and making moves on you she doesn't have that much respect for boundaries... So think of what she may be like around other guys if you were dating her. Would you want that?

You could ask your girl "for a break" and use that time to date other girl and see what it's like but that's risky as hell. Sounds like you already have a good girl... I wouldn't fuck with that.

 

[Lionel Richie]

The grass always looks greener on the other side my dude. And honestly if she knows you are dating someone and making moves on you she doesn't have that much respect for boundaries... So think of what she may be like around other guys if you were dating her. Would you want that?

You could ask your girl "for a break" and use that time to date other girl and see what it's like but that's risky as hell. Sounds like you already have a good girl... I wouldn't fuck with that.

Yeah I think that's pretty much what I was going through, it's been quite a long while since I last really wanted to fuck someone else and that caught me off guard. And me and the other girl would never really go anywhere and I would just waste a good relationship for a fantasy, which is a quick way to get fucked.

And no breaks, I did that once and holy shit it sucked. As time passed since I posted the OP I worked things out in my head somewhat well enough and now I'm thankful I didn't break up with my girlfriend or anything. I still feel pretty bad that I got this close to cheating on someone I love but I don't know, I guess every relationship goes through shit like that at least once.

 

[48086]

Not my ex, my friend's ex which somehow makes it trickier. The extra drama was due to drunkenness and sorry about that lol, but I've been happy with my girlfriend for over 5 years and I don't want to rush to throw it away because I want to fuck someone. It's the longing and knowing that I could that are driving me mad, it doesn't seem that simple to me.

Sounds like you aren't ready for a genuine relationship. If other women are tripping you up to the point of "driving me mad" and you can't maturely deal with it than you need to break up with your girlfriend before you cheat on her and completely break her heart.

 

[Lionel Richie]

Sounds like you aren't ready for a genuine relationship. If other women are tripping you up to the point of "driving me mad" and you can't maturely deal with it than you need to break up with your girlfriend before you cheat on her and completely break her heart.

No, not "other women", this one specifically. She's kind of my weakness but I never saw her again and I'm really not sure when I'm going to again, so that settled things a bit in my head and I'm feeling really better about my chances of not cheating on my girlfriend.

It was close though and that fucking sucks.

 

[48086]

No, not "other women", this one specifically

That's kind of what I am talking about though. Even if it's just one woman. I'm not trying to be a jerk or anything and I totally understand temptation but If you are that worried that there is a serious possibility that you would cheat on your girlfriend with someone than you might need to really look into your current relationship and ask yourself if it's where you want to be. I mean, if that other girl showed up at your house/apartment/wherever when you were alone, took her top off and said let's do it...what would you do?

It's a tough situation though, I'll give you that.

 

[48086]

I can't edit posts so I am going to have to do a double post.

If alcohol has any sort of influence on your decisions when you are around that other girl DON'T FREAKING DRINK haha. It's definitely not worth it to throw away a good relationship because of a few drinks a bad decision.

 

[Lionel Richie]

That's kind of what I am talking about though. Even if it's just one woman. I'm not trying to be a jerk or anything and I totally understand temptation but If you are that worried that there is a serious possibility that you would cheat on your girlfriend with someone than you might need to really look into your current relationship and ask yourself if it's where you want to be. I mean, if that other girl showed up at your house/apartment/wherever when you were alone, took her top off and said let's do it...what would you do?

It's a tough situation though, I'll give you that.

I get you man and you're probably right. I know for a fact I wouldn't be able to deny her at all if that situation were to happen, I remember talking to her holding her hand, which sounds incredibly goofy but it was hot as balls, and yeah I felt like a horny teenager and that was only mild contact so anything beyond that would put me straight into coked up porn actor territory. My solution to this situation has been to just avoid the girl altogether and not letting this situation ever come close to happening, which isn't ideal but I don't want to break up with my girlfriend and I'm betting on time making this thing go away. Since this girl does not live anywhere near to me, I think it's a risk worth taking and saying that makes me sound like an asshole, but I am trying to do the right thing.

And you're absolutely right about laying off the drinks lol.

 

[48086]

My solution to this situation has been to just avoid the girl altogether and not letting this situation ever come close to happening, which isn't ideal but I don't want to break up with my girlfriend and I'm betting on time making this thing go away. Since this girl does not live anywhere near to me, I think it's a risk worth taking and saying that makes me sound like an asshole, but I am trying to do the right thing

 

[Keylime]

Temptation is one thing, but going as far as communicating with the temptee about your desires and then going even further by saying "in another dimension we'd be married" is another.

The question you need to ask yourself is: Do you really want to be with your girlfriend, and if you do, what isn't she providing for you that you want out of this other person?

Anyone can understand seeing someone and being tempted to do something, but you're not even flirting with temptation, you're talking to temptation and basically trying to see if she's willing to admit to you that she has any desire for you. You're basically trying to see if there's an open door.

You might not be textbook cheating, but at a best you're being incredibly disrespectful to your girlfriend.

 

[Lionel Richie]

Temptation is one thing, but going as far as communicating with the temptee about your desires and then going even further by saying "in another dimension we'd be married" is another.

The question you need to ask yourself is: Do you really want to be with your girlfriend, and if you do, what isn't she providing for you that you want out of this other person?

Anyone can understand seeing someone and being tempted to do something, but you're not even flirting with temptation, you're talking to temptation and basically trying to see if she's willing to admit to you that she has any desire for you. You're basically trying to see if there's an open door.

You might not be textbook cheating, but at a best you're being incredibly disrespectful to your girlfriend.

I know, that's why I felt so bad the morning afterwards. It's just the years of weird sexual tension between me and this girl mixed with being drunk and in a very pleasant evening with most of our friends just got way over my head. It was one of those deer in headlights because that was probably too much going on my head and it BSODed into Homer Simpson style pickup lines. It's shitty, but it is what it is and I can't make excuses for it, just try to understand what happened.

For a good week or so there I was really confused and I thought about breaking up with my girlfriend a lot, I'm still not sure if that was because I wanted to be with this girl or because for one night I felt that thrill that single people feel. But I do love my girlfriend, I love being with her and I just love our daily routine, like the way we talk at certain times just makes me happy. She's there for me and I want to be there for her. I can't go back in time and not have this weird conversation with this other girl, but I can learn from it and not do it again. And I'm not even talking about self control because I learned I don't have a lot, but just avoiding any situation I could cheat on her. I don't have the drive to do so, I never did, but life fucking tests sometimes and all things considering I think I got a C on this one and I'll probably do better on the next one (if it ever comes).

Thanks for answering though. Thanks to everyone who helped me through this, everyone really help me clear me head on this one and it got really messy. Funny thing thread still in the wrong place being in OT Community instead of Regular OT lol.

 

[Corrik]

So you held hands with a girl you want to get with while drunk, and you think you are not cheating?

 

[Lionel Richie]

So you held hands with a girl you want to get with while drunk, and you think you are not cheating?

I know it sounds bad and I don't try to rationalize it away, but considering that it did not go any further from that and I've done everything I could to drive this girl away from my life, against my every instinct early on, I don't think it's worth ending my relationship over that. It was some softcore porn physical flirting and I know that's shit, but I've accepted that it happened because of my history with this very specific girl.

 

[Corrik]

I know it sounds bad and I don't try to rationalize it away, but considering that it did not go any further from that and I've done everything I could to drive this girl away from my life, against my every instinct early on, I don't think it's worth ending my relationship over that. It was some softcore porn physical flirting and I know that's shit, but I've accepted that it happened because of my history with this very specific girl.

I mean it is good you stopped it before it got worse.

 

[Lionel Richie]

I mean it is good you stopped it before it got worse.

Yeah and the whole thing was fucked up, when I got home and made this thread I felt probably like you do when you legit see a UFO or some shit. I wasn't being able to think straight about anything. This was definitely not fun at all and plenty bad but yeah I'm also grateful it didn't get worse lol.

 

[Punished Miku]

Try the masturbation method next time she's around. Knock a few out prior to any time you see her. See if she really is that tempting once you have a clear head and you aren't mad with lust.

Maybe spice up the bedroom with your girlfriend too. See if she'll dye her hair or get a new haircut or something lol.

 

[DunDunDunpachi]

Get your shit together, then. You've dated someone for over 5 years and now a friend is tempting you to betray that commitment. Sounds like you've been lazily teetering on the edge for a while and now this tiny incident (and it's tiny; this is nothing) has shaken you up.

This reflects more on your personal lack of maturity than anything else. Grow up. I say that with love. I'm just a random stranger on the internet, anyway. Sorry if that's harsh.

 

[Lionel Richie]

Try the masturbation method next time she's around. Knock a few out prior to any time you see her. See if she really is that tempting once you have a clear head and you aren't mad with lust.

Maybe spice up the bedroom with your girlfriend too. See if she'll dye her hair or get a new haircut or something lol.

That's actually a very good advice because I had to jerk off madly after that day, like I was back to being a teenager for a full couple of weeks lol. Funny how fantasies drive us absolutely nuts.

Get your shit together, then. You've dated someone for over 5 years and now a friend is tempting you to betray that commitment. Sounds like you've been lazily teetering on the edge for a while and now this tiny incident (and it's tiny; this is nothing) has shaken you up.

This reflects more on your personal lack of maturity than anything else. Grow up. I say that with love. I'm just a random stranger on the internet, anyway. Sorry if that's harsh.

Nah, not harsh at all my man, I know I fucked up in this whole situation. On retrospect, I shouldn't have allowed this situation to get kind of sexual, but seriously it never felt like it would ever so we were talking like friends until it got weird. The main thing here is how much I fucking hated this girl back in the day, seriously we had like over a dozen discussions over petty bullshit. And I always thought she was very ugly, seriously, not just ugly but someone I wouldn't ever date. Realizing how nice of a person she is and how attractive she was all of the sudden mixed with that sexual tension was too much for me to handle. My head was in a very terrible place when I posted this thread, I was drunk and I was feeling like shit for wanting to fuck this girl so badly. Not sure if it helped me grow up, but it did make appreciate my girlfriend more if that makes any sense. I kind of took her for granted and losing her would be really shit, realizing that also made me realize how happy I am. I won't risk it again.

 

[RokkanStoned]

So you held hands with a girl you want to get with while drunk, and you think you are not cheating?

Reading this I instantly thought: "Are you korean/japanese?"

Anyways, interesting thread and there's really nothing anyone can say, since it's up to you if you want to check out if the grass is greener on the other side. However, it should always be an action after breaking up and not cheating obviously. To me it at least seems like you are feeling a desire for excitement and since you've dated for 5 years, it's easy for things to become a little stale or "ordinary", lacking that sense of overwhelming desire and excitement that an early relationship has. That's usually why couples have to make an effort at that to keep spontaneity, flirting, surprises and excitement in a relationship. If you're only thinking about fucking her, that's fine and it's likely just your sexual drive kicking in and it can be solved by masturbation and spicing things up and making an effort with your GF. But to me it seems like you actually had a crush on her included with a lust for her.

It's really your choice what you choose in life, it's your life and your happiness, not ours, so we can just armchair what the situation seems like and what we think is best. No matter what, choosing to pursue or not pursue, it might end up being something you regret. The best you can do is try to bring some excitement and liven up your relationship for a while and see if your crush stays or not. If it does, then the next step if you want to be careful is to be around the other girl in other settings with other people there and see if it disappears once the excitement wears off. And you might introspect in regards to your own feelings in regards to your relationship with your GF, if you really feel like "this is the one" or if you're feeling like you're just comfortable in the relationship and feel the sense of love and passion dwindling over time.

 

[Lionel Richie]

Reading this I instantly thought: "Are you korean/japanese?"

Anyways, interesting thread and there's really nothing anyone can say, since it's up to you if you want to check out if the grass is greener on the other side. However, it should always be an action after breaking up and not cheating obviously. To me it at least seems like you are feeling a desire for excitement and since you've dated for 5 years, it's easy for things to become a little stale or "ordinary", lacking that sense of overwhelming desire and excitement that an early relationship has. That's usually why couples have to make an effort at that to keep spontaneity, flirting, surprises and excitement in a relationship. If you're only thinking about fucking her, that's fine and it's likely just your sexual drive kicking in and it can be solved by masturbation and spicing things up and making an effort with your GF. But to me it seems like you actually had a crush on her included with a lust for her.

It's really your choice what you choose in life, it's your life and your happiness, not ours, so we can just armchair what the situation seems like and what we think is best. No matter what, choosing to pursue or not pursue, it might end up being something you regret. The best you can do is try to bring some excitement and liven up your relationship for a while and see if your crush stays or not. If it does, then the next step if you want to be careful is to be around the other girl in other settings with other people there and see if it disappears once the excitement wears off. And you might introspect in regards to your own feelings in regards to your relationship with your GF, if you really feel like "this is the one" or if you're feeling like you're just comfortable in the relationship and feel the sense of love and passion dwindling over time.

I think it was a mix of both, like I have some conflicting feelings for this other girl and my relationship was probably in a bad spot. Eventually I realized that I didn't want to break up with my girlfriend more than I wanted to bone this girl, rationally at least. It's funny that this thread is kind of old and I'm by all accounts over what happened, but I remember very clearly feeling what I felt and how it fucked up my mind. The thing I tried the most here was avoid doing anything I might regret. Like you said, regardless of what I did, I knew there was at least a 50/50 chance it would be the wrong choice. So I thought, you know, I've been happy for 5 years. I wasn't unhappy when this happened or anything. If I broke up with my GF to sex the living shit out of this girl, what would I achieve? I'd be very happy while it happened, but that transient satisfaction would come at a very high cost and not one I was willing to pay. Even debating that felt weird because rationally it felt like there was only one clear choice, but it's amazing how wanting to get over something makes you more and more obsessed. Not sure if my GF is "the one" for me but I'm very sure she's as close to that as I'll ever find, that's harder to replace than whatever I'd do with the other chick.

Talking about it really helped me, it's the one thing I learned out of all of this and it's my only recommendation for anyone that goes through something like this. Talk about it and don't try to Rambo it up and sort it out on your own. It's amazing how that helps us not making stupid decisions