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WCW Monday Nitro 5/22/2000
Merry new year, y'all. The first WCW review of the year! Ish.
Recap of Thunder. SWERVE is mentioned.
TO THE BACK. A limo and hearse arrive. Vince Russo promises to have a funeral for Ric Flair's career tonight. Russo, Jarrett, Liz, and David are out of the limo. Russo has the Big Gold Belt. He's very sad.
It looks like an Elimination Chamber is above the ring.
The Cat vs Booker T Weapons Match
I think he got his T back, but I'm not sure. Cat has some sticks. Big black dicks. Nun chucks! This is boring as fuck. Cat hits Booker and then twirls the weapon around. Repeat 20 times. GARRETT BISCHOFF is name dropped, since Cat is training him in karate, which is why Cat is getting a push. Book finally makes a come back and beats the fuck out of Cat with a stick until Stasiak hits the ring. Booker beats him up, but Cat hits a cartwheel kick Vandaminator on Book to win the match. A post match beat down brings out the MIA. Tony says "Captain Erection". Eric and Kim come out. Kim looks hot as balls tonight.
Eric talks about how successful his and Vince's meeting was Wednesday. It's going to change the course of the New Blood and WCW. Eric offers Booker a chance to come back to the NB. "KISS OUR ASS". Then Major Gunn moons Eric. Was that supposed to be an insult to him?
TO THE BACK. Hogan/DDP/Sting/Lex are here. I think they all came in Hogan's Charger. Sting is already in full gear and paint, though, so maybe he was already there and they just met up with Hogan. Hulk says Nash is late, to which Sting replies "That's his gimmick. That's his gizzimick." Eric confronts Booker and the MIA. He fires Booker. We see the open casket viewing of Ric Flair's career. Russo tells David to rest his (David's) head in his (Vince's) bosom. The Red Rooster arrives with Reid Flair.
Show run down. Rumor has it that Terry Funk might finally retire tonight.
Daffney vs Crowbar WCW Cruiserweight Championship
Daffney cuts a pre match promo like a normal person for the first time. They start out with a thumb wrestling match and rock/paper/scissors. DDT from Daffney. Ms. Hancock is out scouting. Crowbar was about to do a super rana, but stopped. So Daffney gave him an atomic wedgie and did a rana of her own. Crowbar does moves and then apologizes for them. Chris Candido attacks Crowbar. Sunny is also out. CAT FIGHT! Skip drop kicks a chair into Crowbar's face. Then does an Owendriver on the chair, except his feet completely moved the chair out of the way before he did the move. Daffney tried to wake Crowbar up, but Mickie Jay counted the fall. Daffney is your new Cruiserweight Champion! She really should have been the champion last week since she made the pin in the mixed tag for the title.
TO THE KID CAM. Torrie is giving WHOREASS a massage somewhere in a hallway.
TO THE BACK. Booker leaves and tells the MIA to stay tuned for next week. Ralphus and Norman are washing cars for money. Kidman is pissed about Horace and Torrie and isn't going to let Eric pull the same shit he did with Kim and Page. Kidman confronts Torrie and then fights Horace. Eric punches a ref in the gut and steals his shirt so Torrie can be the ref.
Kidman vs WHOREASS Hogan Special Ref: Torrie Wilson.
Match started in the back and they fought all the way to the ring. Eric is also out for color. WHOREASS brings a table in the ring. Hulk comes to the ring. Horace tries to powerbomb Kidman, stupidly. Hulk beals Kidman off the top through Horace on a table. Then he puts Kidman on top of Horace and makes Torrie count the fall. Hulk calls Eric a piece of shit and says he's going to beat Kidman at the Bash.
TO THE BACK. Back to the funeral. Inside the coffin is a giant nose and a Flair robe.
Red Rooster and Reid head into a room. Norman and Ralphus are still trying to wash cars. A dollar a car. The Filthy Animals arrive in their hydraulic car. The MIA were watching this.
Terry Funk comes to the ring in a tux with a red bandanna and cowboy boots. And the Hardcore championship. And his cowboy boots actually look like snow boots to me. He's here to make a long over due announcement. Eric sends the New Blood out before he can finish the announcement. Funk called his aunts and uncles and cousins. The announcement was...IT'S A BOY! He's a new grandpa! FOREVER FOREVER FOREVER FOREVER FOREVER FOREVER FOREVER FOREVER FOREVER! He's actually going to retire June 1st. Brad Siegel cried when he heard the news. He's retiring June the 1st....2001! FOREVER! The NB hit the ring. Funk tries to fight them all off. Funk's daughter is in the front row. Shane hits a piledriver on a chair. Funk's daughter gets in the ring and begs them to stop. DDT on a chair. Spike piledriver on a chair. Shane pins Funk and takes the title. FOREVER!
TO THE BACK. Ralphus and Norman are washing the Animals car. Gunns distracts Ralphus and Van Hammer switches buckets out. Wall is walking with a table. Awesome is driving an ambulance in a halo.
TO THE HOSPITAL. A recap of Kanyon's interview with Tenay from the hospital.
Mike Awesome vs The Wall Tables match.
Mike Awesome wheels to the ring in a halo, looking for his nurses. His name happens to be Iron Sides Chris Kanyon. Wall gets tired of this shit and starts the match. This could be a big clubbering match. Hopefully. Holy shit. Backdrop over the top through a table from Awesome.
Wall takes nutty bumps for a guy his size. That looks crazy. Wall no sells it, but Awesome wins. Wall gets up and fights Awesome to the ramp, where Shane Douglas comes out and hits him with a pipe. They drag Wall to the back.
TO THE BACK. Awesome and Douglas were going to throw Wall into the ambulance, but DDP was hiding in there with a chair and puts Awesome in it. Wall still brawls with Douglas. The Paul Bearers roll Flair's coffin in a hallway. Stasiak, Russo, Liz, Mike Awesome, Palumbo, and Shane Douglas. Wait. Mike Awesome and Shane Douglas were just in the the segment 3 seconds before this. Mike Awesome was sent away in an ambulance and Shane was beat up by the Wall. What the fuck is going on here? There is no earlier today stuff on here. This is supposed to be live. Ralphus and Norman dump whatever the MIA switched in the bucket. I believe it was paint.
We're here to bury the career of Ric Flair. David, Russo, and Jarrett come out. Where are Mike Awesome and Shane Douglas? They were both walking out to the ring just a few seconds ago. And now they're gone? And we're just going to pretend like there wasn't a clear production error? Flair collapsing on Thunder was replayed. It is the fans' faults. Vince tried to get him to quit and because of the fans, Ric had a "brain annerisym". The sad thing is that David won't be able to retire his father. Your new world champion, Jeff Jarrett! Wut. Russo just gave the title back to him, just because. Jeff is a 3 time champion in less than a full month. But Russo has a heart and will bury Ric's watch with his career. WHAT THE FUCK KEVIN NASH WAS IN THE CASKET?! Kevin Nash is the ghost of Ric Flair's career! Nash takes the title and walks to the back.
TO THE BACK. Paula Poundstone is with Jeff/Vince/David. Vince screams WHO ARE YOU and gives Nash an hour to give the title back.
Scott Steiner comes out with cheerleader YAKS tonight. They are in Michigan tonight, after all. I don't know what the fuck he's saying. No fucking clue. But from now on, where ever he goes, the cell goes, and hell follows him. So, hell in a cell? Above the ring is a circular cell called the Asylum. He calls out Rick and Tank. Rick's music went from a JHV of Welcome to the Jungle to a JHV of HHH's music, I think. The cell slowly lowers. There is no way to get out. It's a round cage that cuts off all the corners of the ring and has a dome on it.
TankBerg heads to the ring with bolt cutters. He does the whole Goldberg entrance instead just coming to the ring to help his partner.
Tank takes two snips at the cage and stops. Then he punches Mickie Jay and raises the cage. Now Scott is getting double teamed. Kevin Nash comes out again to knock this shit off.
TO THE BACK. JJ and Russo were watching this. Paula Poundstone is with Nash. Nash offers a title match to Jeff. Red Rooster and Reid Flair are talking.
Chuck Palumbo vs DDP
Chuck Palumbo comes to the ring. With new music and without the Lex posing. Which doesn't make sense since his whole gimmick is that he stole Lex's gimmick. The security guards watching Liz are Allen Funk and Mike Sanders.
DDP hits his sweet powerbomb, but Chuck hits a jungle kick. Liz slaps Chuck. Kim comes out and hits Liz with a bat. Mike Awesome comes out and hits Page with the halo. Chuck puts Page in the torture rack for the win! Lex doesn't know if he should help DDP or stay with Liz. He finally decides to get in the ring, but Kim held his leg. I have a hard time beleving that would really stop him for more than a second. But it gave Chuck enough time to crush Lex's face with the Lex Flex. Lex is put on a stretcher, because his face just exploded I guess. The replay clearly showed that the thing hit Lex in the back of the head and shoulder, not at all in the face. This didn't stop Tony and Madden as selling as it sounding like a potato chip being crushed.
TO THE BACK. Reid and Rooster are heading to the ring. Lex is being loaded into an ambulance. The towel covering his face is soaked with blood. Liz and Chuck laugh at it and Liz in the back.
Reid Flair and the Red Rooster are in the ring. Reid asks David to come out. Rooster feeds him lines 3 times already. Daffney hits Rooster with the statue of liberty. David starts pushing Reid around. Reid then kicks him in the balls, hits a SHOOT double leg takedown, and puts David in a headlock. David gets back and puts Reid in the figure four. Reid sells better than David.
Vampiro vs Hulk Hogan
Vampiro comes to the ring with a gas can and blow torch. The inferno match is now known as a human torch match. Vamp attacks while Hulk gets in the ring, which is how every Hogan match has started for 2 months I think. They're brawling out on the floor. Hogan sells all the chops and weak kicks, but immediately no sells the one kick to the face that looks like it actually connected. Announce table gets knocked over. Hulk uses the weight belt a few times. Big leg drop! Kidman hits Hulk with the blow torch. VAMPIRO WINS! So Hogan has jobbed to Kidman, Vampiro, and Mike Awesome in the past month. Sting makes a save before Vamp can set Hogan on fire. Hulk went from dead to Hulking up after Sting hit the deathdrop on Vamp, because just being NEAR a finish makes him Hulk Up. "The last time we saw Sting was engulfed in flames around the ring on Thunder." Except for the beginning of the show, where he was getting out of Hogans car.
TO THE BACK. The Filthy Animals see the work of Norman and Ralphus. They attack, but the MIA make the save. It was paint stripper I think. Major Gunns begrudgingly agrees to give Ralphus CPR, but Ralphus tried to slip her the tongue. Tony found this hilarious. Truly hilarious.
Jeff Jarrett vs Kevin Nash WCW Championship match.
Russo comes out with security. He takes out the ref and calls for the bell. So he's the guest ref tonight. Jeff is wearing some 1998 gear tonight. Vince does a 1 count into a SUCK IT!!!! Jeff hits Nash with a chair. Nash no sells it and dumps Jeff to the floor. Snake eyes on the apron. Russo again tells Nash to SUCK ITTTTT!!! Jeff hits Nash with the title. Random few seconds of black screen with the Nitro logo. Russo sprays Nash with pepper spray. Steiner's music hits. Then stops. Then starts again and he bolts to the ring only to get pepper sprayed and handcuffed to the ropes by security. Nash is choking both Russo and Jarrett on the mat. Jeff kicks out for real. Nash goes to the floor to beat up security to get to Russo. He's going to powerbomb Russo in the aisleway, but after an obvious delay, the RED LIQUID falls. But again mostly misses Nash. He actually had to back up to get hit by it. This is followed by a guitar shot for the win. Jarrett retains.
There have been an awful lot of production errors lately. Most of them small, but a few big ones like airing the replay of a match and angle before the match was actually aired, messing up music cues, missing Nash with the RED LIQUID twice now. Shit is getting sloppy in the WCW production truck.