MetroidPrimeRib
Banned
Drakengard 1 LTTP
(Full spoilers ahead for Drakengard 1 and 3. I beat everything aside from Zero's DLC and haven't read all the weapon stories.)
Oh Yoko Taro, you lovable garbage fire piece of shit of a human being.
Drakengard 3 is the prequel/sequel???? to Drakengard 1/2 and probably Nier by that extent? Drakengard 1 being the bad Panzer Dragoon and bad Dynasty Warriors clone known for baby eating people and people eating babies and being "that one game where the hidden ending leads into Nier." Drakengard 2 being the lame one I skipped. Nier being the game people actually like that is by some miracle getting a sequel that is shaping up to be one of the best games ever made? Like how is this even possible?
What you have heard is true - Drakengard 3 performs like shit. While its not the worst performing game I've ever played (Just Cause 3 was released on modern hardware by a AAA developer and runs worse tbh) its the worst performing game I've ever completed and there are definitely times where you can feel the game dying, mostly during boss fights. It's a pretty ugly game too, fantastic character designs aside. Music wise its great, but I wouldn't put it in the same level as Nier's GOAT soundtrack and Drakengard 1's...hellish nightmare noise?
Fortunately, unlike Drakengard 1 - Drakengard 3 at least plays decently well. Its no Devil May Cry or Ninja Gaiden Black by any stretch, but there is at least some depth and fun to be had with its combat systems. Another MASSIVE plus is that you don't 100% require a guide to get all the weapons like in Drakengard 1. Drakengard 1 doesn't tell you where chests are or what the criteria is, and a lot of them have completely obtuse CastleVania II Simon's Quest-tier requirements, like "Stand in this one area for twenty minutes" or "examine these four paintings in this order" which makes it actually impossible to get all the weapons unless you know already. The side missions on the other hand get abysmal near the end. They consist almost entirely of enemies with too much health which can practically only be damaged via bomb carrying enemies, and time limits for gathering stuff from locked up chests you have to break open while enemies that do 25% of your health attack you from every direction. That aside, I even prefer it to Nier (which is still easily the most recommendable and playable Drakengard game) which is essentially a game where you spam the spear magic and rush attacks with a spear weapon to beat the game. No boar drifting here tho, which sucks. You get dragon flight missions instead, which I can't talk shit on because they aren't the ones from Drakengard 1 which SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKED. Especially the final boss of Drakengard 1, which is the worst thing of all time. Taro apparently heard this and grinned because he's a fucking dickbag.
"But Taro-san, you can't POSSIBLY make a worse final boss then Drakengard 1. That's impossible!"
"Haha what if I made the final boss from Drakengard 1 again except this time its 6 and a half minutes long with no metronome again, you cannot fuck up even a single time even at the beginning, the camera keeps trolling you by flying into Three's face and the last two notes come when the screen is darkening? What then haha. Also as a final kick in the dick, every time you lose you have to skip the cutscene then watch the 30 second intro haha"
FUCK. YOU. The end boss of Drakengard 1 is bad enough. It's a musical mini game at the end of a murder simulator, and the last part of that fight is still more fucked up then anything in Drakengard 3's. Also when you kill the boss you get shot down by the Japanese Air Force because you tore open a portal to the modern day and then the end boss landed in the middle of Tokyo, then dies and causes the Black Scrawl to happen and well folks that's how Nier happens! The only thing that kept me going beside hatred and Ritalin was this thought -
In some ways, the final boss of Undertale's genocide run and the Stupid Fucking Flower Sisters Aerobics Musical Club of Bullshit are similar. They are a massive, massive jump in difficulty from everything that came before it. They have a rhythm to their fights - although Sans at least operates on the same gameplay as the rest of the game, even when he is cheating - but hey I'd still prefer hitting you in the menus and skipping a second of the fight to moving the camera to a location where you cannot possibly rely on sight anymore. Sans also allows you to fuck up. If you fuck up even once in Drakengard 3, its all over. And I eventually got to the point where I could reliably clear up to the last phases of the fight with little difficulty. But that's how these fights drain you. I imagine its very similar to high end raiding content in MMOs like WoW - eventually you can reliably clear the first and second phases with minor issues, but you get to the third and lose...again, and again, and again, and again and again. And its not like you get to skip right past the first parts - you have to put in that time every single time, even if there is no way you will lose to that phase anymore. But hey the boss fight looks awesome! If you ever, EVER want to try this, you will need this - video because the fight is impossible without it and if you say you did it without it you are a liar. Pause the video at the first note being hit, and hit the first note in the game and unpause it at the same time. It took me around 4-5 hours, while Sans took around 10 altogether. And I would rather fight Sans 10 times over then do this final boss again. Think about that.
Alright but the reason anyone would ever touch this game is because of the writing, dialogue and characters. And they do hold up. Yoko Taro has a very unique way of constructing a story, especially when it comes to female characters. So here's the basic rundown of your cast -
Zero : An extremely impulsive woman, who fucks. Zero is just all around terrible. She eats food off the floor if she dropped it. She kills like 3,000 people (queue Caim laughing at this paltry number.) She wants to kill her sisters because she wants more power. Really, Zero is a piece of shit. I love her.
Mikhail : Mikhail used to be a big badass dragon with a booming voice but then he died or something and got reincarnated as a new personality. Mikhail is a child in intellect and morals, so he's pretty much the only decent, good-natured being in the game. His questions like "Do we really have to kill your sisters? Can't we just talk?" and "What's a virgin?" are immediately shot down by Zero (and everyone else) as soon as they leave his mouth.
Five : Five is the slutty one. She's even more impulsive then Zero. Food? Sex? Clothes? Jewelry? Food and Sex at the same time? Once she sets her sights on something, she'll get it. Or until she loses interest and switches targets.
Dito : Dito is Five's disciple and I hate him. He's like Caim but more of a little shit. He's a brutal sadist that loves all violence and macabre things, but hates that Five constantly trying to bang him. He gravitates more to Zero, until Five shows up later as a zombie with googly eyes and then he's super into her? Fuck you Dito! Like you weren't with Zero when she killed those thousands of dudes by herself!
Four : Four is the "innocent" one. She reminds me a lot of Sengoku Nadeko from Bakemonogatari because they're both the absolute worst on the inside.
Decadus : Decadus is a massive masochist about five levels beyond where I would tap out.
Three : Three is the creepy one. She speaks almost entirely in riddles and walks like a zombie. She has seemingly no interest in anything but human experimentation and her "children."
Octa : Octa is a walking sex joke. That's what 90% of his lines are.
Two : The braindead one. That's really it. In her DLC she's a lovebird with her disciple and the game just shits on them constantly for being happy.
Cent : Cent is a dumbass and I could never really get a read on his character. Was he with Zero because he wanted revenge on the world for screwing Two over?
One : The noble one. She's the only one without a disciple, and she split herself into two and has a brother. The brother goes on to make the Church that would spawn Manah. Good job you little shit.
Accord : Fuck it, you tell me, cuz I don't get it.
So Drakengard 3 is a revenge tale. Kinda? Zero's just shitty, really. It strays from Drakengard 1 and 2 and Nier's style of writing by going heavy into the dark humor. They are all murder games where you kill thousands, but Drakengard 3 is a lot cheekier about it. It also heaps on LOADS of sexual stuff. Like, way more then you would ever see in almost any other game. Y'know how in the God of War games there will be women Kratos can fuck in dumb minigames? That's lame, because not only does Zero kill her sisters - she STEALS their lovers, bangs them and makes her own Netorare harem.
Seriously. It owns. Not only does Zero want her sisters power - she wants EVERYTHING from them. On one hand, wow you are just turning these guys into your sex slaves and thats pretty fucked up. On the other hand, they don't seem too bothered by it and Octa even betrays his own Intoner before you killer her because he cannot control his massive lust. It seems to me upon release (I obviously didn't play it then) that people saw Zero as a cold-hearted and cruel bitch. Which she is. But in the context of the rest of the games industry...she isn't an outlier, except for the fact she's female. Like with the Kratos example, people probably wouldn't think twice if Zero and her sisters were all male. Hell, Kratos is worse then all of them. I guess she's closest to Bayonetta - in complete control of her own sexuality and doesn't take shit from anyone.
The DLC are expensive but if you like the game its probably worth it. Also the secret best character in the game (Gabriella, the grandma dragon who doesn't take shit from ANYONE and spits fire back hotter then any of the sisters can handle) only appears in the DLCs. Also Four's DLC is probably the funniest stuff in the game.
AHAHAHAHAHA
(Full spoilers ahead for Drakengard 1 and 3. I beat everything aside from Zero's DLC and haven't read all the weapon stories.)
Oh Yoko Taro, you lovable garbage fire piece of shit of a human being.
Drakengard 3 is the prequel/sequel???? to Drakengard 1/2 and probably Nier by that extent? Drakengard 1 being the bad Panzer Dragoon and bad Dynasty Warriors clone known for baby eating people and people eating babies and being "that one game where the hidden ending leads into Nier." Drakengard 2 being the lame one I skipped. Nier being the game people actually like that is by some miracle getting a sequel that is shaping up to be one of the best games ever made? Like how is this even possible?
What you have heard is true - Drakengard 3 performs like shit. While its not the worst performing game I've ever played (Just Cause 3 was released on modern hardware by a AAA developer and runs worse tbh) its the worst performing game I've ever completed and there are definitely times where you can feel the game dying, mostly during boss fights. It's a pretty ugly game too, fantastic character designs aside. Music wise its great, but I wouldn't put it in the same level as Nier's GOAT soundtrack and Drakengard 1's...hellish nightmare noise?
Fortunately, unlike Drakengard 1 - Drakengard 3 at least plays decently well. Its no Devil May Cry or Ninja Gaiden Black by any stretch, but there is at least some depth and fun to be had with its combat systems. Another MASSIVE plus is that you don't 100% require a guide to get all the weapons like in Drakengard 1. Drakengard 1 doesn't tell you where chests are or what the criteria is, and a lot of them have completely obtuse CastleVania II Simon's Quest-tier requirements, like "Stand in this one area for twenty minutes" or "examine these four paintings in this order" which makes it actually impossible to get all the weapons unless you know already. The side missions on the other hand get abysmal near the end. They consist almost entirely of enemies with too much health which can practically only be damaged via bomb carrying enemies, and time limits for gathering stuff from locked up chests you have to break open while enemies that do 25% of your health attack you from every direction. That aside, I even prefer it to Nier (which is still easily the most recommendable and playable Drakengard game) which is essentially a game where you spam the spear magic and rush attacks with a spear weapon to beat the game. No boar drifting here tho, which sucks. You get dragon flight missions instead, which I can't talk shit on because they aren't the ones from Drakengard 1 which SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKED. Especially the final boss of Drakengard 1, which is the worst thing of all time. Taro apparently heard this and grinned because he's a fucking dickbag.
"But Taro-san, you can't POSSIBLY make a worse final boss then Drakengard 1. That's impossible!"
"Haha what if I made the final boss from Drakengard 1 again except this time its 6 and a half minutes long with no metronome again, you cannot fuck up even a single time even at the beginning, the camera keeps trolling you by flying into Three's face and the last two notes come when the screen is darkening? What then haha. Also as a final kick in the dick, every time you lose you have to skip the cutscene then watch the 30 second intro haha"
FUCK. YOU. The end boss of Drakengard 1 is bad enough. It's a musical mini game at the end of a murder simulator, and the last part of that fight is still more fucked up then anything in Drakengard 3's. Also when you kill the boss you get shot down by the Japanese Air Force because you tore open a portal to the modern day and then the end boss landed in the middle of Tokyo, then dies and causes the Black Scrawl to happen and well folks that's how Nier happens! The only thing that kept me going beside hatred and Ritalin was this thought -
In some ways, the final boss of Undertale's genocide run and the Stupid Fucking Flower Sisters Aerobics Musical Club of Bullshit are similar. They are a massive, massive jump in difficulty from everything that came before it. They have a rhythm to their fights - although Sans at least operates on the same gameplay as the rest of the game, even when he is cheating - but hey I'd still prefer hitting you in the menus and skipping a second of the fight to moving the camera to a location where you cannot possibly rely on sight anymore. Sans also allows you to fuck up. If you fuck up even once in Drakengard 3, its all over. And I eventually got to the point where I could reliably clear up to the last phases of the fight with little difficulty. But that's how these fights drain you. I imagine its very similar to high end raiding content in MMOs like WoW - eventually you can reliably clear the first and second phases with minor issues, but you get to the third and lose...again, and again, and again, and again and again. And its not like you get to skip right past the first parts - you have to put in that time every single time, even if there is no way you will lose to that phase anymore. But hey the boss fight looks awesome! If you ever, EVER want to try this, you will need this - video because the fight is impossible without it and if you say you did it without it you are a liar. Pause the video at the first note being hit, and hit the first note in the game and unpause it at the same time. It took me around 4-5 hours, while Sans took around 10 altogether. And I would rather fight Sans 10 times over then do this final boss again. Think about that.
Alright but the reason anyone would ever touch this game is because of the writing, dialogue and characters. And they do hold up. Yoko Taro has a very unique way of constructing a story, especially when it comes to female characters. So here's the basic rundown of your cast -
Zero : An extremely impulsive woman, who fucks. Zero is just all around terrible. She eats food off the floor if she dropped it. She kills like 3,000 people (queue Caim laughing at this paltry number.) She wants to kill her sisters because she wants more power. Really, Zero is a piece of shit. I love her.
Mikhail : Mikhail used to be a big badass dragon with a booming voice but then he died or something and got reincarnated as a new personality. Mikhail is a child in intellect and morals, so he's pretty much the only decent, good-natured being in the game. His questions like "Do we really have to kill your sisters? Can't we just talk?" and "What's a virgin?" are immediately shot down by Zero (and everyone else) as soon as they leave his mouth.
Five : Five is the slutty one. She's even more impulsive then Zero. Food? Sex? Clothes? Jewelry? Food and Sex at the same time? Once she sets her sights on something, she'll get it. Or until she loses interest and switches targets.
Dito : Dito is Five's disciple and I hate him. He's like Caim but more of a little shit. He's a brutal sadist that loves all violence and macabre things, but hates that Five constantly trying to bang him. He gravitates more to Zero, until Five shows up later as a zombie with googly eyes and then he's super into her? Fuck you Dito! Like you weren't with Zero when she killed those thousands of dudes by herself!
Four : Four is the "innocent" one. She reminds me a lot of Sengoku Nadeko from Bakemonogatari because they're both the absolute worst on the inside.
Decadus : Decadus is a massive masochist about five levels beyond where I would tap out.
Three : Three is the creepy one. She speaks almost entirely in riddles and walks like a zombie. She has seemingly no interest in anything but human experimentation and her "children."
Octa : Octa is a walking sex joke. That's what 90% of his lines are.
Two : The braindead one. That's really it. In her DLC she's a lovebird with her disciple and the game just shits on them constantly for being happy.
Cent : Cent is a dumbass and I could never really get a read on his character. Was he with Zero because he wanted revenge on the world for screwing Two over?
One : The noble one. She's the only one without a disciple, and she split herself into two and has a brother. The brother goes on to make the Church that would spawn Manah. Good job you little shit.
Accord : Fuck it, you tell me, cuz I don't get it.
So Drakengard 3 is a revenge tale. Kinda? Zero's just shitty, really. It strays from Drakengard 1 and 2 and Nier's style of writing by going heavy into the dark humor. They are all murder games where you kill thousands, but Drakengard 3 is a lot cheekier about it. It also heaps on LOADS of sexual stuff. Like, way more then you would ever see in almost any other game. Y'know how in the God of War games there will be women Kratos can fuck in dumb minigames? That's lame, because not only does Zero kill her sisters - she STEALS their lovers, bangs them and makes her own Netorare harem.
me next
Seriously. It owns. Not only does Zero want her sisters power - she wants EVERYTHING from them. On one hand, wow you are just turning these guys into your sex slaves and thats pretty fucked up. On the other hand, they don't seem too bothered by it and Octa even betrays his own Intoner before you killer her because he cannot control his massive lust. It seems to me upon release (I obviously didn't play it then) that people saw Zero as a cold-hearted and cruel bitch. Which she is. But in the context of the rest of the games industry...she isn't an outlier, except for the fact she's female. Like with the Kratos example, people probably wouldn't think twice if Zero and her sisters were all male. Hell, Kratos is worse then all of them. I guess she's closest to Bayonetta - in complete control of her own sexuality and doesn't take shit from anyone.
The DLC are expensive but if you like the game its probably worth it. Also the secret best character in the game (Gabriella, the grandma dragon who doesn't take shit from ANYONE and spits fire back hotter then any of the sisters can handle) only appears in the DLCs. Also Four's DLC is probably the funniest stuff in the game.
AHAHAHAHAHA
