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[Outlier]

So, I'm gonna make this as brief as possible.

I was molested off and on by my older cousin (7 years older than me) from the age of 7 to 16. This cousin was my hero growing up, he was my big brother, a father figure, since my dad, although a pretty good dude, has been an alcoholic my whole life, he didn't really, fully show up for me the way he should've. So I gravitated towards my oldest cousin.

My cousin would say it was consensual, since I never really said no, but really I just admired him so much and wanted to be like him so bad that I thought it was part of being cool and in my young mind, I didn't want to let him down. So this shit happened for years until it kinda stopped for a few years. Then one night he gave me my first alcoholic beverage, which tuned into six and I blacked out. That night was the last time he did anything to me and only remember it through brief flashbacks.

I was always too scared and beyond embarrassed to tell anyone, with the exception being my best friend at the time. SO, just over a year ago, I came clean to my parents which was really fucking difficult. Anyway, I don't think my entire family fully believes me, since I waited so long to open up. I'm now 36, I have a 6 year old daughter and it's really messing me up and to top it off this mother fucking sociopathic, incestuous, pedophile not only denies it but says I'm just "jealous of his success". There are plenty of other people, cousins in my family with real success for me to envy. But in his twisted/scared mind, I chose him.

I know I'm not the only one he's hurt, feel like killing him and would if it weren't for my daughter. There's more stuff I need to get off but that's the gist of it.

Thanks for listening.

I can only imagen what an awful experience it must have been, especially after you realized what was happening.

I know it's always easier said that done, but MAYBE if you ever do see him again... Forgive him. Not to make him feel better, but to put yourself at ease with what happened to you.

He most likely knows what he did was wrong and suffers having to live with his own hurtful actions and wishes he didn't do it (this is why he denies it), but holding onto grudges only hurts us more.

You now have your family and more importantly you have yourself. The best reasons to build a better life.

Remember this: Your own success in life, is the best revenge.

I hope this was useful.

 

[Grand Theft Scratchy]

I know that self-fulfilling destructionist feeling all too well... and I also try to stay positive and worthy of being happy. I've had some real life friendships go sour because I couldn't discern my negative thoughts and ended up overthinking things. I do think I need to be more confident and believe in myself so that I believe in others if that makes any sense. It's just not right to go through life feeling like you aren't good enough or that you're damaged goods. There's something in all of us that makes us capable, desirable, talented etc, always a reason to keep moving forward.

 

[GardenOfAbbylon]

Those new posters, you're seen and heard by us. You're not alone. <3

 

[The New Guy]

New here! Nice to have a space to get things off my chest a little.

It's nice to meet you all. I've been a lurker on this site for months, always wanted to chime in at times but I was honestly way too nervous for the longest time to register. Forums can sometimes feel like I'm talking to a room full of people. I'm unsure how often I'll post, but the fact I took the steps to register and I'm now here posting honestly makes me feel really proud. It's out of my comfort zone, I've never used social media due to my social anxiety.

I think forums are nice and more anonymous and there's less pressure, and from what I've seen the community on here is really good and welcoming.

I've had Social Anxiety since I was young, it really started to show a lot when I started at School. I was always the quiet kid, always kept to myself and I felt very alone sometimes. People just assumed I was shy & quiet, and I always wanted to do more and answer questions but felt trapped, like I couldn't speak. I gradually got a bit better in my later years at School, but I always had the same small group of friends.

As an adult I still struggle to do outdoor things, and going to the shops can be difficult for me. I try to go quiet hours. I think my Anxiety will always be there, but I still try to push myself to do more things. I suffered from depression for the longest time, being isolated. I played video games to escape in my teenage years. It gave me a sense of community and friendship. I still have really down days now, but I try to go out for walks to clear my head whenever I feel like that.

 

[IanH]

Welcome to Mental Health GAF

Firstly, I'd like to add some ground rules for this thread in order to maintain and preserve a safe and welcoming space. Yeah, yeah, I know, I used safe space unironically, tee-hee.

1. Be respectful - This should go without saying, but please be respectful to your fellow members and what they are going through. Just because you personally do not relate to someone's situation does not mean you get the right to belittle what they are going through.

2. Do not give out personal information - Yes, this is for discussing personal issues, specifically mental health issues, but giving out (traceable) personal information about yourself or those involved with you is discouraged. This site is very much public, and although we are here for you, not everyone is. Just be safe and act responsibly.

3. Do not self-diagnosis- Self-diagnosing, whether on yourself or others, is a very harmful, sometimes dangerous, practice that is rarely ever accurate. It does far more damage than good. Researching symptoms you are experiencing is one thing, but do not claim, "Google told me I have schizophrenia because I get sad!!!!".

4. GAF is not your therapist- While this topic IS for discussing mental health, we do not substitute for mental health professionals. Similar to self-diagnosing, attempting to be or looking for a mental health professional on an online forum does far more harm than good. We are here to support you, but we cannot be your therapist.

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With all that out of the way I suppose I should explain why I made this. It's pretty well-known and obvious that I, myself, struggle with some mental health issues. It personally helps me a lot being able to talk to people who are also in a similar boat as me. Not everyone has a good support system and can cause some to feel very alone because of that. This thread, as cheesy as it sounds, was created for the purpose of people (who want to participate, or hell, even just read) feeling less alone in their battles/struggles with mental health.

Before I progress any further, below are some helpful links if you are in a crisis and are unable/unwilling to reach out to a local professional.

Most Countries' Hotlines

A Textline For those Who are Not Comfortable with Speaking Over the Phone

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Now with all that out of the way, I suppose I should introduce myself a little more.

Hi, my name is Melon, and I am twenty-one. I am diagnosed with general anxiety, bipolar disorder, and borderline personality disorder. I currently am on a wonderful care-plan and have a fantastic therapist and psychiatrist. My biggest triggers are big, social events, and being alone in spacious places. I am an open-book (to an extent, obviously) and I love discussing mental health with those that are capable of holding a mature conversation.

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If you are not comfortable with saying what exactly you have, that's perfectly fine! Be as vague or as open (within reason) as you wish! Just want to do a quick rant? That's fine too. I love you all, and know that you aren't alone and you can always message me if you just need someone to listen.

I suffer with Nocturnal epilepsy since bike accident at 32 yrs old. Ive always enjoyed gaming but found it has helped me so much with the loneliness caused by my mental health condition when lost majority of friends and relationships. Checked with my neurologists many times if gaming still ok and with other therapists (CBT stress, sleep, depression) obviously and all agree its been good for me to continue gaming. It really helps with the loneliness yet have only just made the decision today 02,12,2020 to go online to try make common gaming friends. Being aged 50 ive found to be laughed at in workplace if mention games so kinda kept my love to myself although still seems have every console up in the attic, even rubber keyboard ZX Spectrum from 1984 (48k super powerful version!!).

 

[IanH]

New here! Nice to have a space to get things off my chest a little.

It's nice to meet you all. I've been a lurker on this site for months, always wanted to chime in at times but I was honestly way too nervous for the longest time to register. Forums can sometimes feel like I'm talking to a room full of people. I'm unsure how often I'll post, but the fact I took the steps to register and I'm now here posting honestly makes me feel really proud. It's out of my comfort zone, I've never used social media due to my social anxiety.

I think forums are nice and more anonymous and there's less pressure, and from what I've seen the community on here is really good and welcoming.

I've had Social Anxiety since I was young, it really started to show a lot when I started at School. I was always the quiet kid, always kept to myself and I felt very alone sometimes. People just assumed I was shy & quiet, and I always wanted to do more and answer questions but felt trapped, like I couldn't speak. I gradually got a bit better in my later years at School, but I always had the same small group of friends.

As an adult I still struggle to do outdoor things, and going to the shops can be difficult for me. I try to go quiet hours. I think my Anxiety will always be there, but I still try to push myself to do more things. I suffered from depression for the longest time, being isolated. I played video games to escape in my teenage years. It gave me a sense of community and friendship. I still have really down days now, but I try to go out for walks to clear my head whenever I feel like that.

Hi New Guy. I can relate to everything you have posted there. I’ve only just started my first forum account today and seeing Mental Health topic as one main reasons i’ve joined.
Please feel free to ready my profile and posts and chat back to me about gaming and anything else when you like.

ps Unsure if you played any, Ive just finished Assassin Creed Origins (apart from few side quests) that i loved and unsure where to start with Odyssey on Xbox or Black Flag on Switch?

 

[The New Guy]

Hi New Guy. I can relate to everything you have posted there. I’ve only just started my first forum account today and seeing Mental Health topic as one main reasons i’ve joined.
Please feel free to ready my profile and posts and chat back to me about gaming and anything else when you like.

ps Unsure if you played any, Ive just finished Assassin Creed Origins (apart from few side quests) that i loved and unsure where to start with Odyssey on Xbox or Black Flag on Switch?

Hey!

Thanks, I'm glad somebody can relate. It can often times feel like you're the only one suffering with anxiety & depression when you isolate yourself, even though you're not. So it's nice to be around other people that have felt/feel the same way.

On the subject of Assassin's Creed,

It has been a while since I played those games, but I do know that Black Flag was a really good game. If I had to recommend one, it would absolutely be that. It is one of the best games I've played. Lots to do, and the ship combat is fun as well.

 

[Melon]

It makes me very happy that you guys are using this thread. It's very important to know you aren't entirely alone out there.


As for me, I'm doing pretty good, all things considered. However, I've noticed that my psych meds just have really killed my libido. And it leaves me feeling awful that I and my fiance went from having a hypersexual relationship to not much of one at all. He's a very sweet and understanding guy, and we still do stuff, but it's only once or twice a month now, sometimes less. I feel like a horrible partner, but I can't give up these meds for that. I am not trading my mental stability to have my high libido back. As I said, he is great and has never said anything to me to make me feel like I'm no longer enough, but that still doesn't stop the thoughts from entering my head.

 

[Darkmakaimura]

Very bad holiday season for me. No money, no job (tried looking for even shittiest job but had to stop so I can caregive for my dad 24/7 and yes without pay) and a few other things on my table.

That's it. Just ain't gonna rant and bitch and whine here no more.

 

[The New Guy]

Very bad holiday season for me. No money, no job (tried looking for even shittiest job but had to stop so I can caregive for my dad 24/7 and yes without pay) and a few other things on my table.

That's it. Just ain't gonna rant and bitch and whine here no more.

I'm really sorry to hear that man. Hopefully things get better for you next year. It's not going to be a typical Christmas this year. I'm not seeing my family at all just because of the risks with Covid. I'm technically allowed in the UK, but I'd much rather be safer. It's probably going to feel pretty isolating.

I know we are just faceless people on these forums, but you're not alone over the holiday season. You're welcome to rant here. I have done nothing but worry about money this year, it has been exhausting.

 

[Jill Valentine]

I actually went to a psychiatrist for the first time, just to see what they say. It's a WIP though and I keep my secrets until a decision is made. It's fucking impossible to get any mental help in the UK with our glorious "free" healthcare, so I ended up convincing myself to finally pay the fee. Approx $500 for your first appointment and $250 for any after that, then medication costs if prescribed. The joys of socialism. What the fuck are we paying taxes for again?

 

[Explosive Zombie]

I actually went to a psychiatrist for the first time, just to see what they say. It's a WIP though and I keep my secrets until a decision is made. It's fucking impossible to get any mental help in the UK with our glorious "free" healthcare, so I ended up convincing myself to finally pay the fee. Approx $500 for your first appointment and $250 for any after that, then medication costs if prescribed. The joys of socialism. What the fuck are we paying taxes for again?

Wait it costs that much? WTF? Why? Is it your income?

 

[Jill Valentine]

Wait it costs that much? WTF? Why? Is it your income?

Have to pay that much because it's privatized healthcare, separate from our socialized free healthcare. Typical income per year is £15,000-£20,000, but can vary wildly depending on the area like London. Everything is taxed out the anus in my opinion. Add COVID on on top. Minimum wage really makes it hard to earn any meaningful money for the majority of the population without breaking that battier and working for yourself or being some sort of to-order/contract worker.

Our healthcare system could pay it for you but believe me when I say they will not unless, I dunno, maybe you're a psychopath who will cost them more money or trouble if they don't intervene. The good times are over.

Grass is always greener stuff, but eh.

 

[The New Guy]

I actually went to a psychiatrist for the first time, just to see what they say. It's a WIP though and I keep my secrets until a decision is made. It's fucking impossible to get any mental help in the UK with our glorious "free" healthcare, so I ended up convincing myself to finally pay the fee. Approx $500 for your first appointment and $250 for any after that, then medication costs if prescribed. The joys of socialism. What the fuck are we paying taxes for again?

I tried seeing a counsellor for my anxiety a few years ago. I didn't find it helpful, but I know it varies between each person. I find it hard to get past the fact they're just doing a job to listen to me. It's not out of the goodness of their heart or genuine interest. Don't get me wrong, who I was seeing was really nice and made me feel comfortable, but it kind of just felt empty to me. I found it hard to open up. I hope that makes sense.

Before the pandemic hit I was actually going to try going to these group sessions in my free time around me where you do different activities like creative writing for example. I think it would have helped get me out of my shell. I was really motivated, but by the time I got the courage to go everything was being locked down. I hate the way life works sometimes. Maybe next year I'll try.

 

[Riven326]

Grandpa went in for outpatient surgery on his shoulder. He's been back to the hospital by ambulance twice. The last few days have been so fucking stressful. I just want to run away. But I know I can't. I have to stay strong and do what needs to be done. Hey never gave up on me when I was sick. But fuck. This is something else man.

Odd thing is, I get these moments where I recognize something. Usually an event. And it's like some dejavu type shit. I stop and pay close attention and I watch these events play out exactly as I remember them. But I shouldn't remember them because they haven't happened yet. It's the most bizarre thing.

Well this is the most human thing ice done all day. Been pretty much like a robot since 6am. Exhausted. Mentally fucking spent. Fucking hell, I don't know how medical people do it.

 

[Mistake]

2020 has finally caught up with me as well. First I lost a job I loved, then my gf of two and half years a few days ago. I didn’t expect things to last because covid separated us internationally, but it hurts more that I had to call her out for seeing someone, instead of just telling me about it in the first place. It takes me a while to trust people, so I’m taking it pretty hard. I blocked her and deleted everything. How long does it take until you stop thinking of them out of habit?

 

[Explosive Zombie]

I tried seeing a counsellor for my anxiety a few years ago. I didn't find it helpful, but I know it varies between each person. I find it hard to get past the fact they're just doing a job to listen to me. It's not out of the goodness of their heart or genuine interest. Don't get me wrong, who I was seeing was really nice and made me feel comfortable, but it kind of just felt empty to me. I found it hard to open up. I hope that makes sense.

Before the pandemic hit I was actually going to try going to these group sessions in my free time around me where you do different activities like creative writing for example. I think it would have helped get me out of my shell. I was really motivated, but by the time I got the courage to go everything was being locked down. I hate the way life works sometimes. Maybe next year I'll try.

I currently have therapy every two weeks and that's pretty much the way it feels to me she's very nice and feels like she cares but it also feels like she's not 100% listening to me or understanding and it's like more important for her to do these things for her job like she has to ask me every time if the session was helpful and why it was helpful and it's like why does why do I need to come up with something every time most the time I just say it was helpful because it's always helpful to talk about the stuff cuz I don't know what the hell else to say

 

[Jill Valentine]

I tried seeing a counsellor for my anxiety a few years ago. I didn't find it helpful, but I know it varies between each person. I find it hard to get past the fact they're just doing a job to listen to me. It's not out of the goodness of their heart or genuine interest. Don't get me wrong, who I was seeing was really nice and made me feel comfortable, but it kind of just felt empty to me. I found it hard to open up. I hope that makes sense.

Before the pandemic hit I was actually going to try going to these group sessions in my free time around me where you do different activities like creative writing for example. I think it would have helped get me out of my shell. I was really motivated, but by the time I got the courage to go everything was being locked down. I hate the way life works sometimes. Maybe next year I'll try.

I currently have therapy every two weeks and that's pretty much the way it feels to me she's very nice and feels like she cares but it also feels like she's not 100% listening to me or understanding and it's like more important for her to do these things for her job like she has to ask me every time if the session was helpful and why it was helpful and it's like why does why do I need to come up with something every time most the time I just say it was helpful because it's always helpful to talk about the stuff cuz I don't know what the hell else to say

I almost... got to see a counselor type solution in the form of CBT, if we can consider that one. It took 4 months for a phone interview and then 4 months for an opening. I failed to show up once because it was in an awkward location, I was working full time night shift and not in the best place. And then I was kicked off.

Similar sentiments even from the phone call though. These people are paid to listen and talk nicely based on an almost robotic script. When COVID had everyone closed, including all psychiatrists for months I did call a mental health hotline. After a few minutes we ended up in a loop where I could see the pattern he was feeding me as if he really wasn't listening and had no solutions.

I found my psych was great in comparison. It's like anything, there's a lot of people sitting on their hands up until you pay for the big bux for people who have a hunger & skills to attempt to change things, but it's still an ongoing process. I imagine counselors are the people who weren't good enough.

 

[The New Guy]

I currently have therapy every two weeks and that's pretty much the way it feels to me she's very nice and feels like she cares but it also feels like she's not 100% listening to me or understanding and it's like more important for her to do these things for her job like she has to ask me every time if the session was helpful and why it was helpful and it's like why does why do I need to come up with something every time most the time I just say it was helpful because it's always helpful to talk about the stuff cuz I don't know what the hell else to say

My counsellor was like that sometimes. There was moments where he would pull his phone out, only occasionally, and it made me feel like he was waiting for it to over. I know that wasn't the case, but it made it feel a bit more impersonal. More like a robot that can respond well. One positive I can share from it, is I found it easier to talk about some things. Certain things you wouldn't want to drop on a friend and ruin their mood. My friends have always said I can share anything, but I just hate to be so depressing and when I see them in such a good mood, I just would hate to get in the way of that. That has always been my thought process.

I have tried to care about my own feelings a bit more lately, I always used to put everyone above me. Which I don't think is a bad trait to care for others, but you have to care for yourself too I've found. Learning to say 'No' to friends when I don't feel good has been huge, and having friends that understand when it's too much for me is more than most people have got, so I'm grateful for that.

I almost... got to see a counselor type solution in the form of CBT, if we can consider that one. It took 4 months for a phone interview and then 4 months for an opening. I failed to show up once because it was in an awkward location, I was working full time night shift and not in the best place. And then I was kicked off.

Similar sentiments even from the phone call though. These people are paid to listen and talk nicely based on an almost robotic script. When COVID had everyone closed, including all psychiatrists for months I did call a mental health hotline. After a few minutes we ended up in a loop where I could see the pattern he was feeding me as if he really wasn't listening and had no solutions.

I found my psych was great in comparison. It's like anything, there's a lot of people sitting on their hands up until you pay for the big bux for people who have a hunger & skills to attempt to change things, but it's still an ongoing process. I imagine counselors are the people who weren't good enough.

I couldn't imagine a phone interview helping me either. I can understand that. In-person meetings forced me out of my comfort shell, a phone call would have felt super impersonal to me. I'm also not very good talking on the phone either. I always can't wait to get it over with. I'm sometimes worse talking on the phone than I am in person. Phone interviews are the bane of my existence.

I can relate to the script sort of feeling you get from it. Every session always seemed to have the same beginning, middle and end. I always knew what questions would be asked for the most part. I have had the same experience when I have contacted Samaritans before when I was feeling very lonely, it was just once and I was having a very down period in my life, the people are nice but there is only so much they can do for you I've found.

There's actually a great guy on Twitch called HealthyGamerGG. I've watched some of his streams, and he does a lot of great things with guests. He talks about mental health a lot. Twitch is very impersonal and anonymous, but is nice to have a more 'real' stream where they talk about relatable issues. Would recommend his stream a lot depending on the guest.

 

[Mistake]

I almost... got to see a counselor type solution in the form of CBT, if we can consider that one. It took 4 months for a phone interview and then 4 months for an opening. I failed to show up once because it was in an awkward location, I was working full time night shift and not in the best place. And then I was kicked off.

Similar sentiments even from the phone call though. These people are paid to listen and talk nicely based on an almost robotic script. When COVID had everyone closed, including all psychiatrists for months I did call a mental health hotline. After a few minutes we ended up in a loop where I could see the pattern he was feeding me as if he really wasn't listening and had no solutions.

I found my psych was great in comparison. It's like anything, there's a lot of people sitting on their hands up until you pay for the big bux for people who have a hunger & skills to attempt to change things, but it's still an ongoing process. I imagine counselors are the people who weren't good enough.

I've seen a lot of counselors and therapists in my life, to the point where I could probably qualify as one. Most are not great, and it only works out when you're both engaged in the conversation. But I did have a good experience with a counselor 10 years ago that was local, cheap too because it was adjusted for my income. (US) It's a shame they're so expensive where you are.

 

[-Minsc-]

Is there a Mental Health GAF discord?

 

[The New Guy]

Starting to feel my social anxiety creep in a bit on these forums. Ah, that sucks. Wanted to post a few times but been scared and ended up editing/deleting the whole thing. I think I enjoy the Off Topic Section the most so far as it feels a bit less serious than Gaming which I don't feel I'm that knowledgeable about these days. Feel like my posts aren't worth a lot.

Maybe posting less will help. Love these forums, just a shame when my real life feelings kind of mix with my forum ones. I still feel that crowded room type feeling sometimes.

To be honest, I maybe shouldn't so hard on myself as I have posted a ton I feel like, and obviously there's no reason to value quantity over quality. I just might cut back a bit on the forums now I have settled in, as I might be piling too much on myself to post more than I should.

TLR: NeoGAF is great but my social anxiety makes it harder to post.

Not been a good day like usual, so that might be contributing to it.

 

[teezzy]

@The New Guy

It's chill bro. I knew you were cool as soon as I saw your Sidney Prescott avatar.

When you got alpha chads like MiyazakiHatesKojima runnin' around with his 8 foot pecker wigglin in every thread, of course you're gonna be anxious! Don't let anyone fool ya - we're all a bunch of introverted nerdy shitheads here, otherwise we wouldn't be here.

You're llterally "the new guy" lol. People will get to know you eventually and you'll get to know everyone else. Don't put a lot of pressure on it. I was prescribed Xanax for my anxiety when I was younger, ended up abusing it, and tossed that crap in the trash.

It never goes away, but you learn to handle it. The best thing you can do is realize that you're not alone in these feelings, and take care of your health - both mental and physical.

Also, listen to some tough love from Sam "school shooter" Hyde (17 minutes, but worth it):



Super helpful for me, at least. Puts me in the zone. I'm no mental health professional, just speaking from personal experience.

Is there a Mental Health GAF discord?

We have a general Discord. The more, the merrier. Maybe EL could make a channel there.

https://www.neogaf.com/chat/

 

[MiyazakiHatesKojima]

Starting to feel my social anxiety creep in a bit on these forums. Ah, that sucks. Wanted to post a few times but been scared and ended up editing/deleting the whole thing. I think I enjoy the Off Topic Section the most so far as it feels a bit less serious than Gaming which I don't feel I'm that knowledgeable about these days. Feel like my posts aren't worth a lot.

Maybe posting less will help. Love these forums, just a shame when my real life feelings kind of mix with my forum ones. I still feel that crowded room type feeling sometimes.

To be honest, I maybe shouldn't so hard on myself as I have posted a ton I feel like, and obviously there's no reason to value quantity over quality. I just might cut back a bit on the forums now I have settled in, as I might be piling too much on myself to post more than I should.

TLR: NeoGAF is great but my social anxiety makes it harder to post.

Not been a good day like usual, so that might be contributing to it.

If Spukc is able to post the way he does in every thread he does, then I don't see why you should have any problems hehe

 

[-Minsc-]

I agree teezzy , the simple fact a person posts any consistent amount on a forum such as this means the person is 99.9% socially awkward in some form. Seriously, why would a person stay on this forum if they were not?

@The New Guy

When I graduated high school in 2000 migrated into online forums since I had no drivers license and did not have the nerve to get out there. The internet was a way I learned how to socialize. Not the best way but it was what I was able to do at the time. Five years of forums and online gaming. Things like making phone calls were tough (there's still are resistance to doing so, but I manage). Eventually I made the phone call to take a drivers course. Five years after high school I got myself back out to school and took an evening math upgrade course. In 2006 I took a trade. In 2011 I got my trade license, though I'm no longer working in that trade. Stressful stuff. 2011 was the year I decided I couldn't keep crap locked up in my head and decided to roar out as loud as I could. You know, to release. The kicker was shortly after when I went to wash my hands after taking a piss. As soon as I looked into the mirror I lost it and started uncontrollably shrieking. Scary. If I didn't previously have a brother who spent time in a psychiatric ward I may not have made the attempt to get help. While I wasn't completely honest with my parents or the doctors about all the things I at least knew I could not longer deal with things alone. I remember lying when the doctor asked if I was into pornography. It has been only been within the past five years I've been more honest about that in select circles. Been many ups and downs this past decade, attempting to learn a new way to live my life. I've more or less shared this story before, now seemed like a good time to share it again.

Some times it can be hard knowing when to post something. I'm am more believing that when it's time to share something I will be able to do so at that moment. Be it easy or hard to share. Today I'm seeing a level of "social anxiety" more to be a normal part of life. There's no need to say what's on our minds 100% of the time. Sometimes things still need to be processed before they are let out. Letting go of being in complete control and needing to know it all can be difficult. Seems reasonable to me to say the most sound people are those who have a good grasp on their limits. Our limits today and tomorrow are two different things. All we can do is face things one moment at a time.

Anyways, there's a post for the morning. Hopefully I pulled together enough disjointed bits that kinda make sense if you squint at it.

 

[Xaero Gravity]

MiyazakiHatesKojima runnin' around with his 8 foot pecker

Dude's like 5'3 and hung like a flea.

 

[IanH]

I tried seeing a counsellor for my anxiety a few years ago. I didn't find it helpful, but I know it varies between each person. I find it hard to get past the fact they're just doing a job to listen to me. It's not out of the goodness of their heart or genuine interest. Don't get me wrong, who I was seeing was really nice and made me feel comfortable, but it kind of just felt empty to me. I found it hard to open up. I hope that makes sense.

Before the pandemic hit I was actually going to try going to these group sessions in my free time around me where you do different activities like creative writing for example. I think it would have helped get me out of my shell. I was really motivated, but by the time I got the courage to go everything was being locked down. I hate the way life works sometimes. Maybe next year I'll try.

Have had CBT for Anxiety and sleep before and currently having another CBT for Depression following many years of extreme Loneliness. Its going very well and has given me the confidence to join this very forum site.
I did have advice to go and meet up in a group to chat and see who can meet but, to be honest discussing my most private mental health issues face to face with complete strangers not knowing any of their background or how they would react was bit too much for me to consider.
At least on here we have a common interest in gaming and can tell just from our discussions that we are in a similar situation (although from diverse backgrounds leading to it) and feel more confident in writing as i am now.
Maybe we may be able to find someone local to each other after a lot of discussions and build confidence to get out and meet, chatting face to face as in a gaming group that i have no idea even exists other than online...

 

[teezzy]

Dang RIP T The new guy

You seemed chill. I wish you the best

 

[niilokin]

No matter how much you try to convince yourself that you get used to loneliness it will always fucking suck and kill motivation to do anything productive. I don't need much social interaction to get energy and joy but fuck this year for taking even that little from me...

 

[teezzy]

im genuinely upset that New Guy left

he was a cool new member

we scared him away

 

[-Minsc-]

Have had CBT for Anxiety and sleep before and currently having another CBT for Depression following many years of extreme Loneliness. Its going very well and has given me the confidence to join this very forum site.
I did have advice to go and meet up in a group to chat and see who can meet but, to be honest discussing my most private mental health issues face to face with complete strangers not knowing any of their background or how they would react was bit too much for me to consider.
At least on here we have a common interest in gaming and can tell just from our discussions that we are in a similar situation (although from diverse backgrounds leading to it) and feel more confident in writing as i am now.
Maybe we may be able to find someone local to each other after a lot of discussions and build confidence to get out and meet, chatting face to face as in a gaming group that i have no idea even exists other than online...

Good morning IanH

I have not done CBT, though from what I have seen it has similarities to my understanding of the "Step Inventories" in a 12-Step program.

Going to meet with a group is a very good idea, even if hard. I recommend finding a group which does not pressure anyone into revealing anything they don't want to or are not ready to. In a 12-Step program "Step Zero" is basically just show up. A person does not need to share anything. Experience is telling me the last thing I need is an abrasive program. Relationships are slow built, be them healthy or unhealthy.

There are no shortage of support groups out there. A simple act of attending one, even if a person does not speak or attend again, can be a big step in the right direction. In the past I've gone to bars alone as a method to meet people (and find a woman). Looking back I believe it was not the best way to go about things as I hadn't even begun looking at the things which made me anti-social in the first place.

To me, even the forums can be an overwhelming place to share personal information. I know this is just a tiny corner of the internet but the resistance to share is there as GAF is an open discussion forum.

Thanks for posting IanH, it gave me an opportunity to share some thoughts.

---

Since I want something a little more private, tomorrow at 12:00pm AST I'm going to hold a "Life Anonymous" (12-Step program based on Alcoholics Anonymous) on Discord (for voice chat). Anyone who wants to join is welcome to do so. Just send me a PM. If nobody is interested I'll just talk to the open air.

im genuinely upset that New Guy left

he was a cool new member

we scared him away

Unfortunate but he made his choice. Nothing we can do about another persons decision. I have the whole Polics GAF forum blocked so in a way I'm not much different from him.

 

[Explosive Zombie]

Two ER visits in the last week because I was convinced I was dying, I don't entirely believe people who say my anxiety is inventing my symptoms... but if they can't find what's wrong then what am I to believe? How can this much pain be made up in my head?

 

[borborygmus]

Two ER visits in the last week because I was convinced I was dying, I don't entirely believe people who say my anxiety is inventing my symptoms... but if they can't find what's wrong then what am I to believe? How can this much pain be made up in my head?

It's not in your head. The body is complicated and can produce a lot of sensations and most doctors completely underestimate this. It can literally be anything, but often it isn't something dangerous. For me it was a ton of food allergies/intolerances, some with delayed effects, and nobody believed me for years which was maddening. I ended up going along with the consensus and ignoring my problem long enough that after a certain point it actually started producing measurable symptoms, so then they started taking me more seriously when earlier they had dismissed me as a hypochondriac. But they still couldn't find an underlying cause and I had to solve that myself, which I succeeded in doing for the most part after years of trial and error.

You're 100% justified in being concerned if you feel unwell. Frankly, I don't believe in the diagnosis of primary anxiety. In my experience doctors aren't malicious, but they are extremely overconfident about their ability to assess and diagnose patients and can be very patronizing. They're good for dealing with textbook cases like when there's obvious physical trauma but if there's anything more subtle most doctors are just going to assume it's nothing.

I'd love it if they were replaced with AI that learns from outcomes.

One thing I used to do whenever I had flare ups, that I'm not at all ashamed of, was to go to the hospital and just wait in my car because I felt like I was dying, but I'd been to the ER and doctor appointments for it before and they didn't take it seriously. But I really was in pain. It wasn't psychological. It was like "this hurts so bad, I can't just sit here like an idiot and pretend it's OK." I was vindicated years later, but before discovering the real problem it was just hell having nobody believe me.

 

[Darkmakaimura]

Nvm.

 

[Noncanon Ship]

So, I'm gonna make this as brief as possible.

I was molested off and on by my older cousin (7 years older than me) from the age of 7 to 16. This cousin was my hero growing up, he was my big brother, a father figure, since my dad, although a pretty good dude, has been an alcoholic my whole life, he didn't really, fully show up for me the way he should've. So I gravitated towards my oldest cousin.

My cousin would say it was consensual, since I never really said no, but really I just admired him so much and wanted to be like him so bad that I thought it was part of being cool and in my young mind, I didn't want to let him down. So this shit happened for years until it kinda stopped for a few years. Then one night he gave me my first alcoholic beverage, which tuned into six and I blacked out. That night was the last time he did anything to me and only remember it through brief flashbacks.

I was always too scared and beyond embarrassed to tell anyone, with the exception being my best friend at the time. SO, just over a year ago, I came clean to my parents which was really fucking difficult. Anyway, I don't think my entire family fully believes me, since I waited so long to open up. I'm now 36, I have a 6 year old daughter and it's really messing me up and to top it off this mother fucking sociopathic, incestuous, pedophile not only denies it but says I'm just "jealous of his success". There are plenty of other people, cousins in my family with real success for me to envy. But in his twisted/scared mind, I chose him.

I know I'm not the only one he's hurt. There's more stuff I need to get off but that's the gist of it.

Thanks for listening.

I know you posted this last month but I don't think you got much response. I think how you reacted as a kid was pretty predictable. I mean, he probably even targeted you in the first place because he knew you looked up to him and were young and innocent that he knew he could manipulate you. He anticipated how you'd lack comprehension. Your cousin is human garbage. Children can't consent. And teens who have been molested repeatedly by their pedo abusers can't hit their 16th birthday and suddenly ah, unproblematic consent! It was part of a pattern of abuse yesterday but today it's a-ok! Sexually abusing someone into a consensual relationship is not a thing.

Never force yourself to forgive someone because you think you ought to. You could end up feeling worse about yourself when you still have trauma and anger toward them after - like, 'what's wrong with me that I can't properly forgive? Am I a bad person?' He clearly is not repentent if he's denying it. As if the original experiences weren't enough, now you have to go through the pain of family members not believing you.

Stick to your guns. Protect your daughter. You have every right to make a big deal about this and refuse to attend family gatherings when he's there. Don't roll over just to keep the peace.

 

[Explosive Zombie]

Honestly feel like calling it quits.

Don't

 

[teezzy]

Honestly feel like calling it quits.

You wouldn't recognize your own misery if you weren't already aware of your own happiness and what that's like. Without a concept of light, there is no dark. There's light at the end of the tunnel, I promise.

 

[TalentedMrJ]

Sad not having anyone around to support or agree with me
Honestly feels like I'm more in the way than anything
Kinda layed around today and did nothing

Don't think I'll feel true freedom until death

If reincarnation is a thing why the fuck would I agree to come back for another run
Definitely my final trip
I am not built for this place at all

 

[Kev Kev]

why the fuck would I agree to come back for another run

 

[-Minsc-]

If we choose to live we are still alive and able to make choices. One day at a time, one moment at a time. Figure things out one moment at a time. By the end of it all we'll have lived our life.

 

[teezzy]

 

[Kev Kev]

this is so key

going to the gym is like that. i think i heard joe rogan say this same quote in reference to showing up at the gym. like, if you wake up early, you get dressed, you drive all the way there, and youre at the gym, then there is nearly a 100% chance that youre going to do that workout. you're not just going to suddenly feel different and walk out. no, youre gong to do that fucking workout. youre already there lol, you did all that and showed up so youre not going to just turn back as soon as you walk in the doors.

and i think it applies to a lot of things in life and mental health. be prepared and present in the moment for the opportunities life gives you, and be alert and ready or the monkey wrenches its going to throw at you. life is hard. but showing up to do what you said you were gonna do is going to put you in the position where you will just throw your arms up and say, "welp, idid all that and im here now, might as well do it"

 

[M1chl]

I actually went to a psychiatrist for the first time, just to see what they say. It's a WIP though and I keep my secrets until a decision is made. It's fucking impossible to get any mental help in the UK with our glorious "free" healthcare, so I ended up convincing myself to finally pay the fee. Approx $500 for your first appointment and $250 for any after that, then medication costs if prescribed. The joys of socialism. What the fuck are we paying taxes for again?

That's weird I though that NHS is more capable, it's all free of charge here. I am not sure how else I would get any help. It has been pretty crucial actually.

 

[Darkmakaimura]

So uh this is a first but I apparently had another "breakdown" and shaved my face to the point I was bleeding all over and not realizing it until I saw blood all over my hands.

Not like as in some emo cutting their wrists or whatever but shaving so hard I unknowingly sliced up my face.

Yeah.

Edit: trying to get some CBD from a neighbor. I never tried it and I'm sure it's snake oil but I need to do something asap to calm me down.

 

[Tesseract]

nothing good comes from damaging your body like that

gotta expel negative energy or it'll rip you apart

exercise, games, music, books, meditation, ...

 

[teezzy]

One day at a time Darkma

 

[belmarduk]

Edit: trying to get some CBD from a neighbor. I never tried it and I'm sure it's snake oil but I need to do something asap to calm me down.

It is snake oil. You'd be much better off getting some indica.

 

[Darkmakaimura]

It is snake oil. You'd be much better off getting some indica.

Nope.

Weed gives me serious panic attacks. Yes even the indica strain.

 

[teezzy]

Exercise and nutrition > weed (gives me anxiety also)

There isnt some miracle cure for depression. You're like a car that got into a fender bender and just gotta kinda learn to deal with it. What you can do is little by little start making progress towards your goals until everything upsetting you is no longer bothering you any longer. Baby steps, but you're battling demons and you need to be willing to fight. CBD Oil and video games arent going to fix your life. You're strong enough to do it, and you know it. Don't listen to that demon telling you otherwise. Recognize that the depression is clouding your judgeent

 

[Darkmakaimura]

nothing good comes from damaging your body like that

gotta expel negative energy or it'll rip you apart

exercise, games, music, books, meditation, ...

It wasn't like it was fully intentional like some teen slicing their wrists.

I just felt/feel angry and pushed hard while shaving. Like I said, I wasn't even aware of the damage I done until there was blood all over my hands and near the sink.