son of a bitch
The last three hours, in summary:
-Insert Vista disc, wait, keep waiting, reach installation, dead end at partition selection when it complains about the system volume not meeting installation requirements
-Retry Vista, hang at blank screen with mouse (three or four times)
-Check connections (they're fine)
-Insert XP disc, watch it load files and such, dead end at partition selection when it complains about not being able to format the drive
-Insert Vista disc, wait as it hangs at the blue/teal screen for a while, dick around with the integrated PartDisk utility (which only detects the DVD drive), the installer suddenly pops up in the background, and deads end at partition selection when it can't find anything, and looking for drivers on the motherboard disc is fruitless
-Download and run Seagate diagnostic utility, which fails to find any drives
-Listen to my HDD, which has developed an interesting and regular ticking sound
-Resist temptation to return the entire system
-Bitch on GAF
Tomorrow I plan to run out to Office Depot, get a decent WD drive, and package this one up for return to Newegg on Monday.