Sorry if this is long winded but I have some strong feelings about this subject. Props to the OP for trying to open up some constructive dialogue, this isn’t a black and white issue. Frankly, I think it’s kind of disgusting how men are so willing to attack their brothers and call them incels. Most men that are struggling don’t identify as that, and are simply having a rough go of things. I imagine it hurts even more being dismissed and outcasted by fellow men for simply being vulnerable(which society tells us we should be) than to be called an incel by a woman. A little solidarity and empathy can go a long way.
If you can’t relate at all to any of these issues modern men are having, than you should count your lucky stars, but understand not everyone is as fortunate as you. Online dating, unfortunately, has become the default for most people, and I think it’s pretty obvious to everyone that type of dating gives a huge advantage to women. Fine, if I had as many options as most women do, I’d pick the best ones too. I get it. Who can blame them? But it’s the reality we live in and that leaves a lot of lonely, frustrated men. Add to that people don’t socialize like they used to, thanks in large part to social media and the aftereffects of the pandemic, as well as men forgoing college at record numbers, which really hurts their ability to meet and get to know women in a more natural setting.
It’s all a recipe for disaster in the long term if something doesn’t change. But it’s not like mens troubles in general are a new thing. Sure, there have always been creeps, sex pests and perverts out there that repulse women, we all know that. Screw them. But if you take the time to talk to “incels“ I’m sure most of the time you’d find men that are just looking for companionship, someone to come home to, a means to secure a legacy through sons and daughters. Sure, sex too, but that doesn’t last forever and it’s far from the most important thing as we age. We live in such a hyperindividualistic society, but we are social beings at heart and we crave companionship, the companionship of the opposite sex more than anything, it’s fundamental to our nature. (Obviously true too for homosexuals but topic isn’t about that). Not achieving that leaves most people feeling empty.
Heres my story. Im in my late thirties, 5”3, balding, have narrow shoulders and a weird, very skinny body type that no amount of “hitting the gym” will fix. I have a weird looking face and my facial hair pattern is an absolute disaster so I can’t grow a beard lol. To say that these things simply don’t matter and to “try harder” is ignorant to the extreme. I work out all the time, am pretty fit, take care of myself, dress well. I didn’t go to college, but I make over 80k, have no debt and in general have pretty much all my ducks in a row. None of this has helped me. I’m also in management in my field which restricts me from potentially finding someone at work, and generally any other managers I work with are married and probably wouldn’t even be interested in me romantically to begin with if they weren’t.
To be fair, I’m also pretty socially awkward, but life molded me that way. Was bullied for most of my developing years for my appearance, have only had a handful of really close friends that have all long since moved away and started families, leaving me with no real social circle outside of my immediate family, thank god I atleast have that. I never had any strong male role model. My father bounced from one drug addiction to the next my entire life growing up, spent some time in jail and was largely a recluse, even to this day. I love him, he’s not a bad person at heart and I’m incredibly grateful my mom stuck it out, cleaned up his messes and is still with him, something you don’t see much anymore. But you really can’t make up for that lack of a positive paternal influence.
I’ve had one relationship in my life. Was married for about a year(the relationship was about three)around a decade ago to a woman that in hindsight basically used me to get out of another relationship(this was her MO but I was so attention starved and willing to fall for any woman that showed me attention that I failed to see the obvious.). Revealed she was cheating on me on my birthday, and that was the end of that. Was probably cheating nearly the entire time.
At this point in my life I’m pretty content. Like I said, I do well enough, all my material needs are covered. I’m not looking for pity by posting this. I’m actually a pretty self aware, positive dude despite what it may seem by posting this. I don’t hate women, but I recognize they certainly aren’t looking for me lol. I just wish people in this age were a little more understanding of peoples struggles. I’m sure there’s a particular formula someone in my situation and my life experience could do to find a mate that was acceptable to them, but the amount of effort and rejection I’d have to face to get there, at this point, I don't even know if it’s worth it.
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