Sorry in advance that this'll probably be long and ramble-y, I'd imagine, but yeah...
So I've been so very, very goddamn wish-washy for forever, going through cycles of "I'm trans, no I'm not, yes I am, no I'm not." (If you were to go back far enough you'd likely find a post from me saying something similar years and years ago in this very thread). I think at the core of it is that I'm, to put it frankly, socially awkward as all hell, and my innate reaction to anything uncomfortable or awkward is to flee as thoroughly as I can manage, effectively. And so I'd hit a point where eventually I feel overwhelmed and like I needed to do something, and then I'd come out to my parents, or go to a psychiatrist, and then end up backpedaling hard and going "nope, nope, all in my head" afterwards, trying to distance myself from how impossibly awkward that situation was for me. And then I'd shove it deep down inside for a few months and manage okay, until I inevitably broke down again.
The last time this occurred, I actually came out to a friend, and then of course ended up going back into a turtled "Nope, never mind, just my misconception, please let us never talk of this again", and then... later down the line, when said friend's girlfriend at the time broke up with him, I got a text from her that made it quite clear that she knew (thank god in a non-confrontational way) (And said friend apologized profusely, swore up and down that he told no one else, and cleared things up with said ex). So... that kind of triggered the strongest one of those "nope, nope, nope, shove it all down" reactions I've ever had (nearly freaking passed out and my heart stopped beating when I got that text).
So the other thing I want to jam in here is that, part of the "problem" for what it's worth is that, I graduated college around the time of that aforementioned last event. And since then, I've been living at home, working from home, and only really hanging out with friends I'm super, incredibly comfortable with. So I've hardly had any interactions where I'd need to be self conscious in the least. And I also just generally wear loose shorts and t-shirts that don't make me think about such things, keep my hair long, etc. Like, I've essentially just walled myself off from having to think about my appearance or be self-conscious at all for a while now. And so, combined with the aforementioned extra strong repression... I actually went like 2-3 years without having a breakdown.
Anyway, my net thought I had settled on, though never sold myself fully on (again, just focused on my work and hobbies entirely, pushed it out of my brain as much as possible) was even if I don't like being masculine, maybe I'd be cool just being as close to androgynous as possible. Because in my brain, the issue I ALWAYS run into is the idea that I'm not "trans enough", because if I can go without suffering for a while, then clearly the issue isn't bad enough to take action, or so my brain always convinces me, and gets me to hide back away.
So, to cut to the chase... after this long time with it hidden away, the dam finally broke, and I was kind of a wreak the last two days (like, on a level only matched by full on existential dread, and that's a lot easier to banish from my mind). I've gotten more "positive" now, and that's left me just feeling kind of... emotionally raw, for lack of a better way to describe it.
Now, I'm just going to kind of blurt out what I've been thinking in my head: First off, even when I've broken away from feeling depressed over this, it's not like I've been like "I'm 100% male and cool with that and let's just go out there and be masculine!" I've had my hair fairly long for forever now ("for a guy"), at probably just short of shoulder length. Every time I've had my hair cut in the past for forever, it's been accompanied by a sense of dread and disgust at the results (if you'd ask why I've done it... I'll admit, since I'm being open, that I've been waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too complacent, and let my parents rule my life enough that I'd buckle under the "you need to get a haircut already, it's out of control" comments, despite now being 26. Though I finally grew enough of a backbone to put a damn stop to that a few months ago.) I hate, hate, HATE my body hair. (I've been lucky with most of my body in that it's fairly light, to the degree that, were I to actually want it, I'd find my chest hair downright pathetic. Of course as is, I'm grateful for that. My facial hair is... less lucky, so I'm constantly shaving that clean). And I have always, forever hated my own voice, like, so, so very much. In fact I think that's part of the reason I'm so horribly socially stunted, because when I start talking outside of, say, to people I'm super comfortable with in a relaxed setting, I become incredibly self conscious of it (like, back in college, whenever I had to speak up in a class, my thoughts would just be "I hate my voice, I hate my voice, I hate my voice, I just want to freaking run away right now". Also, I'm pretty sure the only reason I can post all this is precisely because I can do it via text, rather than verbally.) And all of these things, I can say I definitively hate because they're masculine, and I like my hair because I feel, when it's the way I like it... it just looks feminine to me.
As for some "dumber" thoughts: Ever since I've stopped being self-conscious over how I'm "not supposed" to do so, I always, always pick the female option in games. Heck, I'll throw out the detail that I actually first came to the realization that something was up in high school (though I was still stupid and idealizing nonsensical "solutions" and crap, and didn't actually realize "oh damn, I'm in denial, and I'm trans!" until college). And yet the first time I can remember even having that option in a game was Pokemon Ruby and Sapphire, and... I would've absolutely chosen the female character design if it weren't for thoughts of "people will think I'm weird if I do". And the same was true for shows, too. Like, I watched and loved Cardcaptor Sakura and Sailor Moon as a kid (and of course hid that), and the character I felt most attached to in X-men... was Jubilee, rather than the "cool" choices of Wolverine or Cyclops or Gambit or whatever, and it wasn't because I had a crush on her. Which is of course even more true nowadays.
And today I threw on a dress I happened to have laying around in hiding, stored away, gained from shenanigans years ago. And I mean, it's not like "OMG this is an impossible mindblowing revelation of the sort I've never felt before, absolute proof positive!" but... I like it, and I like the look of being in it, even though it's super subdued.
I guess the thing that most keeps coming to mind is, like, something that hit me way back when I first started thinking about this stuff: If I had a magic button that'd just go "poof", and change your sex instantly, I'd hit it without fail, and I've thought that nonstop, even when I was just bottling stuff up. It's always been the process that scares me. And I feel like it's also throwing me off because... it feels so "abstract" and unreal to actually think about moving forward with things, like my brain almost can't conceive it being a real thing I can do. And especially I know because of my anxiety I'm afraid of the idea of "coming out", and of the inevitable mental back-pedaling I'd come to, as I have in the past. Like, and that's even with knowing my parents and one friend would be totally okay with it, and I'm about 99% sure that the rest of my circle of close friends and my siblings wouldn't have a problem.
All that said, the one thing I've done differently right now is... I'm trying to think positive instead of negative. Which is to say, rather than "am I suffering enough?" I'm focusing on "Is this something I'd want?", and the answer to that is yes... even though I know it'll be damn near impossible for me to work up the guts to say that to others.
So... I'm kind of left thinking on what to do next, now. I'm still kind of raw, so I want to sort out my feelings a little better first, probably. And in the past... I've always kind of gotten my parents involved because, to be blunt, I never got myself driving. I've since solved that issue, and... I kind of think maybe it'd be for the best to try to figure out going to a psychiatrist or something on my own for now. I've gone a few times in the past, but I feel like, I dunno, it's always kind of been colored by being "out" to my parents at the time (who are fine, but also are kind of like "are you sure it's not just you getting hung up on a thought or something?" because the anxiety does kind of run in the family. And then that kind of mentally undermines me, even if I know that's not right). Also kind of feel weird about the idea of going back to a psychiatrist, because the guy I used most... wasn't very helpful, to be honest. Like, I knew myself way better than he did, and no matter how much I told him, that didn't change, and it didn't do anything... except for, again, the mental trauma from my anxiety inevitably causing me to turtle up again afterwards each time. As in, at least as far as I've felt, this is kind of something I need to overcome and decide on my own.
I realize this is probably way too long, and disjointed, and a mess, but... I at least needed to dump my thoughts in some way, and if anyone has any help to offer, that'd be great.
